Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Toddlers & Tiaras – Sparkle Baby Eyes

I think this one is the rerun from last week, I watched it tonight because I thought Project Runway was on and got all excited, only to remember that it’s on THURSDAY nights. Dammit.

Anyway, as long as we’re here, some highlights and observations from this fine episode, which captures the action of the Rock Star Divas and Dolls pageant in Darien, GA:

Pageant director Chasity (ummm) promises a “showboat of fun,” brought to you from … the local middle school cafetorium.

Featured contestants:

Payton, ginger, age two, has been performing her ‘Pebble’ routine (as in the Flintstones character) for “about two years,” per her mother. Quite a prodigy that one. Too bad she gets shown up by another child with an actual Flintstones car.

Mom applies to this two-year old: false eyelashes (aka “sparkle baby eyes”) and fake nails.

Olivia, 3, of Willacoochie, Georgia. Maybe someday they’ll write a biography about her: A Hoochie From Willacoochie. Perhaps to coincide with her presidential run.

Her mother is special, and together they dye their miniature pony purple and straighten his mane with a flat iron. I wish I could make this stuff up.

According to mom, they had to stop entering the local beauty pageants because the judges were always being swayed by some kid that had cancer or some illness. So their strategy is to enter the regional glitz pageants instead. I guess there’s no room for debilitating diseases in the world of glitz.

Mom also goes on to say, in a nutshell, that being better looking gives you a leg up in life. She makes the statement that “popular kids aren’t ugly.” And that it’s just the way of the world that looks matter. Sure, looks count, I’d be foolish to say they don’t. But Mom is kind of missing the other part of the lesson, which is that looks aren’t everything.

But in this pageant, the beauty category is the one in which a contestant can win the most points, so I guess looks do count. Duh, me.

Her child though is the one who shows true wisdom, shouting at the mother throughout the show to “Go away,” “I don’t like you,” and “Stop talking to me.” Well said, Olivia.

Can’t quite put my finger on it, but with the giant fall of hair they put on Olivia her proportions look more like a little person than a child, or maybe a Bratz doll. Clearly she’s a shoo-in for pageant greatness.

The pageant announcer says at one point, “everyone loves the exciting swimsuit competition.” Well, not everyone. I for one, find it creepy. But I’m sure the pedophiles in the crowd find it exciting. On a side note, someday we’ll discuss how the titles and crowning works, but it’s all terribly complicated and I don’t fully understand it yet. Maybe after I go to grad school I’ll be able to grasp it. Just know this about Rock Star Divas and Dolls: they do NOT double crown. And why are the crowns always too damn big?

Haley, in the 7 to 9 year old category, claims one of her hobbies is “traveling the world.” Really, Haley? And how many girls (or their moms, rather) answered the question of favorite color with: pink? Big shocker there. In a previous episode, one girl’s mother chided her for saying she liked all colors of the rainbow, claiming that was tacky. ?

Haley’s dad is an ‘involved’ pageant dad who has the mom on a walkie talkie so he can go spy on the competition and report back to her on which kids have new outfits.

Haley’s mom says, “Sometimes the pageant world can be a cruel world.” Yes, and sometimes the world can be cruel in the sense of the genetic lottery that decides who your parents are.

Drat, the new episode of Toddlers & Tiaras is on next, back at ya later.

Hailey’s dad, you need a new hobby.

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