Last night I went to a hockey game, Washington Capitals. Despite a solid showing, they were shut out by the San Jose Sharks. At least it was the 90th sold out game in a row for the Caps, not bad.
For this game we had ‘player’s seats,’ which I guess are the tickets they give the players to give their family, friends etc. We ended up with these through a charity fund-raiser. Anyway, what I learned is that the player’s seats are actually folding chairs (which would come in handy if a riot broke out, but they don’t have cup holders so less handy for drinking) AND that the players seem to give their tickets to a lot of young, attractive women wearing a lot of perfume.
Anyway, being at a nice, aggressive hockey game made me think of insults, and not just your run of the mill insults but some of the world’s most glorious insults, curated for your pleasure.
Warning: there will be cursing. And believe me, these are the least profane ones I’ve seen.
Spanish-speaking lands. Chupe mantequilla de mi culo. Suck butter from my ass. We Spanish speakers love things that involve the ass (no comments on that), sucking (no comments), shit and calling your mother a whore.
Although ironically, in Spain, if you say something is “de puta madre,” roughly, “from a mother whore” that is a good thing. It’s a compliment.
This one gets an honorable mention because I forgot to write down its country of origin: May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes all your life. "Da Bog da ti zena rodila stonogu pa ceo zivot radio za cipele" [Eastern European methinks]
Finnish: "Piss into a transformer" (Kuse muuntajaan)
Bosnian: "I dream about farting on you" (Sanjam da prdnem na tebe)
Franch; "Ca ne vaut pas un pet de lapin" - it's not worth a rabbit's fart.
Afrikaans: Big ups to the Afrikaans language for having some of the most imaginative insults I’ve ever heard of. Here are three good ones -
"Suck on my hemorrhoids and wait for better days"
“Your mother has an electric-green cunt that shoots porridge."
And my personal favorite -
“Your mother engages in prostitution in order to raise funds for the building materials necessary to construct a brothel from which your sister will operate.” Jou mammie naai vir bakstene om jou sissie se hoerhuis te bou Vieslik!"
I just love the specificity. Feel free to add your own insults!
Some of my sources – very funny.
PS – we drowned our sorrows at the loss of the hockey game afterward at the Iron Horse Tap Room – for you DC area folks, that’s in Chinatown, if you haven’t been it’s only a block or two from the Verizon Center, great beer selection, motorcycle theme (‘iron horse’) but the best part is they have Skeeball. Two old lanes with the proper wooden balls, tho they are a bit dented (I don’t approve of the lighter plastic balls you are now subjected to at the boardwalk). Anyway, 50 cents per game. This appears to be the only sport I have any sort of skills at, and I know it isn’t really a sport but throw me a bone, people. And even then, my skills are rusty, based on last night’s showing. But there is a Skeeball league ….maybe they have a remedial group.