Saturday, August 25, 2012

Toddlers & Tiaras Horrorfest 8/22

I haven’t written about Toddlers & Tiaras in a while, but the episode this past week in Las Vegas was sufficiently horrific to inspire me. Somehow bringing the already disturbing spectacle to Sin City upped the ante, so to speak. 

In the opening montage of pageant scenes, they showed an Oompah Loompah (Roald Dahl version not Johnny Depp version) looking child of the four-to-six year old boy persuasion who was stripping as his talent routine.

The episode focused on families of the ilk that have a lot of money or at least like to seem like they have a lot of money and they spend it conspicuously on things like McMansions, bright yellow Vipers and lots and lots of cosmetic surgery.

One child arrived by helicopter. Another arrived in a giant pink Hummer limousine, because that’s what the three-year old requested. Uh huh.

One of my faves was the douchebaggy pageant dad, who a friend referred to as either gay or a serial killer. I vote both. Throughout the show he sported t-shirts that said:
  • ·       I Heart Lesbians
  • ·       I don’t date single moms I make them (??)
  • ·       I support single moms (with image of a stripper dancing on a pole)

Horrible delusion pageant mom Kelly or Kelli is back … I think they lived in Lake Havasu, Arizona previously (which was somehow fitting) and they now appear to live in Las Vegas (perhaps even more fitting), but not that I care so let’s suffice it to say that this train wreck of a human has already ruined her three-year-old twins. Ruined. And her plastic surgeon should be shot.

One of the highlights of this episode was the pageant judges, all drag queens, tho one was not in drag. The others were Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and Cher. Cher totally read the horrid Kelly/Kelli awful twin family. As someone so wisely pointed out, ‘money can’t buy you personality.’

The little girl that arrived by copter seemed to be subsidized by her grandmother, who had a face lift face that was difficult to look at. What was almost more difficult to observe was how mute the child’s mother was. I don’t think she uttered a single word the entire show.

These women’s plastic surgeons ought to be SHOT. Stripped of their medical licenses.

Douche dad had a cute kid who seemed to have some talent and a halfway decent personality, either in spite of or in response to d-bag daddy. At her pageant coach’s studio (all the kids had the same coach BTW) she went through some of her routines and posed for the head shots and photos that it seems they have to submit in order to compete in the pageants.

So her theme for the photo shoot was the Blue Man Group … in midget form. For reals. I have no idea what was going on. It was the little girl and two little people in blueface. Posing for photos with their legs in the air.

And I have to call the pageant coach out on the giant flippers two of the little girls were wearing. Awful. Scary grandma face was mad at pageant coach so she’ll get hers I’m sure.

In one of the on-camera interviews with little copter girl, they asked: What’s a drag queen?
Little girl’s response: That’s where you take your clothes when you don’t want to wash them yourself.


PS – after T&T there was a new episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Cholesterol and Diabetes festival or whatever it is called. At one point they pass an establishment called the “Kuntry Stoe.” Close. Close to English. And the Kuntry Stoe was advertising cured hog jowls, whatever those are. But let’s just say that I don’t think little Glitzy the pet pig was actually given back to “the breeder” no sir indeedy. Unless in their language breeder is a euphemism for “meat grinder.” Just saying. 

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