Valentine’s Day Recap – Sliders and Denial of Blow-up Dolls

Ok, so I meant yesterday’s post to be the last on the topic of St Valentine’s Day, but I couldn’t resist a few more thoughts on this subject.

From the ‘champagne tastes and beer pockets’ file (or maybe beer tastes and scrounging for change in the sofa files), there is the story of the White Castle Valentine’s Day promotion - (participating) White Castles offer white-tablecloth and candlelit dining – if you make your reservations in time.

How many sliders would you scarf down in the name of romance?

http://adage.com/adages/post?article_id=141584

I hope they offer this again in 2012, it’s never too early to start planning for next year’s eventual specious holiday let-downs. (apparently they've been offering this since the 90's, but either I haven't been living in White Castle country or I've blocked this out of my memory)

I noticed that Papa John’s also offers a heart-shaped pizza in case you decided to spend the night in and want a sodium blast (disclaimer – I love pizza, and I love Papa John’s. no hate mail please).

And from the romance files, try this headline on for size - “Trapped Chilean miners denied blow-up sex dolls for fear of jealousy.”

A must-read –
http://bit.ly/eBdLoM


Did your romantic plans go over like a lead balloon or would you like to crow about your perfect date or gift? Post your comments please.

Don’t Stop Believin’ (or Believing)
Well, you streetlight people, whether your plans went boom or bust, I’ll leave you with some immortal words on love and the motor city from Journey and Steve Perry:

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy
Born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight people

So we officially close the books on Valentine’s Day 2011 and start planning for Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day, real holidays. And maybe even Presidents’ Day in between.

PS - is there such a thing as South Detroit? I have it on good authority that this doesn't exist.

Romantic - but not cheesy – movie suggestions?

I was trying to make a mental list yesterday of suitable Valentine’s Day movies. Ones that aren’t overtly Valentine’s Day-ish or over-the-top romantic flicks (like Love, Actually or Valentine’s Day the movie). Also trying to avoid flicks like Life is Beautiful or West Side Story because they make you just want to fall on the nearest pointy object in despair. I like a happy ending, har har.

Here is an unscientific and completely biased list, please post your own suggestions:

Napoleon Dynamite. Awkward and sweet, like love itself. BTW did you ever notice there isn’t a single curse word uttered in this movie?

Princess Bride. A fairy tale with humor and Inigo Montoya. And Andre the Giant!

Casablanca. Ok, I know this is a softball, but it’s a classic. Although he doesn’t get the girl it is still a satisfying ending.

The Illusionist. Surprisingly sensual, and Jessica Biel at her “considerable loveliest” doesn’t hurt.

Say Anything. Lloyd Dobler, with the boom box, Peter Gabriel song. ‘Nuff said.

An Officer & a Gentleman. Debra Winger, Richard Gere, factory scene in which he strides in wearing his military whites and literally sweeps her off her feet.

The Notebook. I wanted to hate this movie, I really did. But Ryan Gosling convinced me, especially in the rain-soaked love scenes.

Sense & Sensibility. One Austen had to make it on this list.

Dirty Dancing. Swayze! No one puts Baby in the corner.

Singin in the Rain. Debbie Reynolds personifies perky and gets her man, putting a bitchy film star in her place in the process. Who can resist Donald O’Connor and Gene Kelly?

Moonstruck. I really don’t enjoy Nicholas Cage’s work so this says a lot. The power of Cher goes a long way of course but this is just a heartwarming story with a big crazy Italian family and lovely beauty shots of New York City.

Out of Africa. I hate myself for putting this one on here, because the love affair doesn’t exactly have a happy ending, but it’s a beautifully complex and frustrating story that always makes me swoon.

So I Married an Axe Murderer. Mike Myers is undeniably charming as the goofy poet and San Francisco resident who falls for the dangerous but bewitching butcher Harriet, who has a bloody past. Great turns by Anthony LaPaglia and Alan Arkin, who for some reason was uncredited in his role.

From Justin to Kelly – just kidding.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0339034/

Last night, in honor of Valentine’s Day, my significant other was watching a movie about Pancho Villa starring Charles Bronson and Yul Brynner. Muy romantico. Altho Pancho did get married in the movie, while already being married to someone else. Powerful men and all that. Speaking of powerful historical figures, fittingly, Cleopatra was also on last night. Now that’s a sweeping love story on multiple levels. And the best eye make-up in cinematic history.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all! Now let's put this specious holiday to bed.

VD Gifts Explored Volume 2

Follow up to my controversial Valentine’s Day post, on gifts you really shouldn’t buy – hint - it's not cockroaches.

This info is from a website that is geared toward women who are newly married/shacking up, it’s their recommended list of what purport to be “non cheesy” Valentine’s gifts that ‘your man will really like.’

We’ll be the judge of that.

• A pillow that says “STUD” for his man cave. Er, no.
• Gourmet cookies that spell out X’s and O’s. Ehhhh … .borderline. do you really need to spend beau coup bucks on gourmet treats that are shipped in from San Francisco? Probably not. And I love San Francisco. But in general I guess sugar snackies are ok.
• Monogrammed leather cover for his iPad. YES. Finally a good one. Or, how about a leather cover with a new iPad inside. Ditto for iPhones. Or i-anything.
• Mug with kissy lips all over it. NO people. No.
• Another throw pillow that says “I love u a lot” or something to that effect. Maybe I’m just anti-throw pillows in general. Don’t get the appeal. Have multiples of them around my house, and they seem to always be in my way.
• Bi-lingual conversation hearts. Points for effort, but still no.
• Matching mittens (twittens). I’m going to have to go with – no.
• Ok, yet another throw pillow, this one with your silhouettes on it. Newp.
• Book with ideas on small places in which to have sex, e.g. theater balcony, elevator, ski lift. I don’t know if men actually need a book to give them these ideas. And no mention of the back of a Volkswagen!
• Ray Ban sunglasses. Don’t know what these have to do with Valentine’s Day, but yes, these are good. I will accept these.
• Lastly, chocolate flavored vodka. I hate to be grumpy here, because I love vodka, and I love chocolate. But I have never been inspired to combine the two.
  

Honorable mention for those of you who are truly desperate: the Bronx Zoo is offering a unique and romantic gift idea for that special someone in your life: name a Madagascar hissing cockroach in their honor. Only $10! http://bit.ly/hpu3te

Ok so now that the countdown is on and it’s only a few days before VD strikes, have you taken care of your gift-buying responsibilities? My significant other got excited when he read my last post saying how a flat-screen TV makes a good gift …. Whoops. Guess I walked into that one.
(that’s what she said)

The List of What Not to Get the Special Man in Your Life

I know, I know, Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday, a sham to get us all to spend money in the name of forced love and romance. But knowing that many of us will fall prey to tradition anyway, I humbly present my suggestions for what not to get your man as a gift for Valentine’s Day, aka VD.

• Any kind of clothing item. No one wants a tie with hearts on it, or a t shirt that says you’re a great husband. If you really are one, you won’t need to advertise it.
• Silly tchotchke type things like teddy bears, figurines, hokey love books and musical cards. In fact, anything that can be purchased in a Hallmark store is probably best to avoid unless you’re buying it for a woman in your life. And even then be judicious.
• A mug, mousepad, etc with a photo of the two of you that says “I love you” or “Together forever.” If you expect him to display this at the office, you’ve just lost him the respect of his coworkers, thereby hampering any future advancement at that company. Why curb his earning potential?
• Further, a mug that says “sweetie pie” or “honey bunch.” Or red pajamas with lovey sayings on them. Customized book that catalogues every detail of your love.
• Scrapbooked anything.
• “Sensual” food cookbook.
• Naming a star after him.
• Big giant mylar balloons. Big giant cards.
• Couples spa services. Better enjoyed with your girlfriends. Not saying he wouldn’t enjoy a massage, but in my opinion you don’t have to enjoy it together.
• Dinner at a nice restaurant. They all jack up the prices for V-Day. Screw the restaurateurs by going the week AFTER Valentine’s Day.
  

What do guys really want?
Aside from the obvious sexual favors that I don’t need to name, for gifts that don’t involve getting in your guy’s pants or vice versa, here is my suggested list of real-life gifts that hopefully won’t be a total waste of money and make him roll his eyes.

• A day off from everything. No talking, no chores, no interaction, no nothing. A day to curl up in the man cave without interruption, unshowered in flannel pants eating chips out of the bag, wiping his hands on the dog, falling asleep on the couch and enjoying general slothery with abandon.
• A flat screen TV. Size does matter, but hey, even a small one is still a flat screen TV.
• Beer. Or a good bottle of liquor.
• Order him the pizza with the 12 different kinds of meat on it.
• All of the seasons of The Wire on DVD. Nothing says love like violence and the Baltimore drug trade.
• One of those sessions where he gets to drive a race car.
• Pornography. Don’t say it with flowers, say it with April Flowers.
  

Ok so we’ve come full-circle back to sex …ain’t that always the way. So as long as we’re here, I do think there is value in buying lingerie to wear for your man. Altho I think womens’ tastes in lingerie varies greatly than mens’, skimpies are skimpies and there’s nothing wrong with some new frilly underthings.

Write-in entry: pop-up kama sutra book. If this doesn’t exist, it should.

Gifts for the Ladies?
Men, if you’re looking for gift ideas for the ladies, there are the traditional choices: jewelry. flowers. Spa services. Something luxe or indulgent like anything cashmere or pricey chocolates.

But for my money, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to commemorate your undying love. It really is the thought that counts. What does that mean? It means that gifts that show you have been paying attention, at least a little bit, are going to be the ones that she will remember. Get her something that relates to something she loved as a child. Or something that reminds you both of something from when you were first dating.

As goofy as you may feel, homemade gifts go a long way. Trust me when I say that you will earn major points for macaroni cards or picking out a photo of the two of you and selecting a nice frame. Think about the major kudos you’d get if you could figure out a way to make her a mix-tape, even if she might have a hard time finding a place to play it.

Consider an activity that she likes that you would normally avoid like the plague, such as a crafts fair, museum exhibit, etc. Watch a Lifetime movie with her. What about picking out a recipe and making dinner with a decent bottle of wine. And you clean up afterward. It may pain you, but it won’t kill you.

Do something thoughtful and manly like checking the air in her tires, filling the tank up with gas and getting her car washed.

All women are different and every relationship is different. Some of us do place a high premium on monetary value, and buying and giving expensive gifts may be a part of how you show what someone means to you. I will never insult you by refusing an expensive gift, like say a Porsche. Why, that would just be rude.

Personally, I am lobbying to commemorate VD with my guy by going to see a special screening of West Side Story at the beautiful art deco movie theater down the road. Because nothing says romance like tragic death and doomed love and dancing around with choreographed knife fights. At least they serve beer there.

And a last note on how NOT to show your affection for someone: call in a bomb threat to an airline so that your boyfriend can’t catch his flight out of the country, as in the case of this lovelorn Chilean woman who forced the evacuation of 300 people from a plane taxiing down the runway:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41449840/