How will you be celebrating the Super Bowl?

I love how marketers and the media sieze on an event like the Super Bowl to promote just about anything and come up with lame stories on the news. Special cocktails for the Super Bowl! What should you wear? Fascinating dip recipes!! Served in a hollowed out cabbage!!!

I don’t know which is worse, this or Valentine’s Day marketing. More on that later.

A newspaper that shall remain nameless had a whole spread today on the topic, promising information on what to eat, wear, drink and more for Super Bowl XLV. The ‘what to wear’ suggestions included some delightful $100 “NFL ladies’ crystal stacked rings’ – go to HSN.com if you want a ring that says STEELERS on it. I mean, why stop with a trifling towel? If you really love your team and are a fashion maven, surely you want to step up your game. Not to be outdone, QVC has lovely plaid-lined hoodies.

Some of the paper’s other suggestions for showing your team spirit are:

• Face paint
• A colored ribbon in your hair

No disrespect meant to this particular publication, but really? I feel like I am reading a middle school newsletter. In next week’s issue, we’ll share the results of the 8th grade intra-state trombone competition and Mrs. MacGillicuddy’s delicious Home Ec vanilla cupcake recipe ….

Then, in the food and beverage category, they swing wildly in another direction, suggesting that you decorate your beer with “long slivers of jalapeno peppers or a couple of slivers of lemongrass” for a fresh flavor and elegant presentation. WHaaaat? What dude in America wants to find a sliver of lemongrass in his Bud Light?? I don’t even know where I’d get slivers of lemongrass. Whole Foods, I suppose.

Note on cutting jalapenos – wear latex/disposable gloves. Do not touch your eyes. And definitely – pay attention, this is important here – do not have sex or sexual contact with yourself or a loved one with any of the jalapeno oils on your hands. Bad times.

Call me a traditionalist, but give me some 7-layer dip, a cooler full of beer (any kind of beer on this occasion) and some buffalo wings, and I’m a happy camper. I don’t care what Rachael Ray thinks is Yum-O! and I don’t trust Martha Stewart for football recipes, as if she’d deign to watch American football. Ha.

And let’s be honest, I don’t even watch football. I’m in it for the snacks and the commercials.

In the spirit of honesty, I know deep in my heart that all these articles and loose marketing tie-ins to the Super Bowl are surely meant for women. Guys, do you sit around thinking about what you’re going to wear on Sunday to watch The Big Game? Are you worried about what snackies and canapés to serve to impress Doug and Bob? Do you rush to the store to snap up ceramic trays for serving in the proper colors? Stay up late thinking about what tablecloth to use? Write to me if you do, I really want to know.

I look forward to all your reviews of the ads after Sunday. But please don’t send me any recipes.

PS – look for a future post about the perils of Valentine’s Day