Saturday, July 16, 2011

Running zombies change everything. What’s your zombie apocalypse plan?

Let’s talk about Bruce Campbell, zombie attacks and distilled water.

The world rejoiced this week when Bruce Campbell confirmed there would be a fourth Evil Dead movie. Bring it! I hope this does come to fruition. Someday I hope that you too will have the chance to see Evil Dead: the Musical performed live on the stage. I saw this a few years ago in Toronto, and it was funny and entertaining – think of a campy musical with lots and lots of fake blood. The dance numbers and songs about the Necronomicon are worth the price of admission alone. If you sit too close to the stage, they give you rain ponchos to wear to protect you from the spewing blood. That wasn’t an issue in Toronto, where it was a good-sized, nice theater, the kind where you sit at a little table instead of a row of seats, and a nice waitress brings you booze during the show – my kind of theater.

The point was moot when I later saw the show performed at the aptly named Landless theater company in DC, where the performance area is actually smaller than my living room. Every seat placed you squarely in the splash zone for the fake blood (they kindly sold big hefty bags in the “lobby” to protect your clothes, but my white Chuck Taylors still have pink stains on them). Upon close examination, because there could be no other kind, the blood appeared to be primarily composed of red Kool-aid.

Anyway, here’s some info on Evil Dead: The Musical and the new flick.

But that’s not even what I wanted to talk about today. A friend of mine recently dated this guy who as it turned out has given a lot of thought toward his plan for what he would do if the zombie apocalypse came.

His plan includes steps such as:

• Purchase a Vespa or scooter, which will be easier to get around on and require less gasoline than a car

• Know the locations of all the nearest big box and/or sporting goods stores, where one can go and stock up on supplies and weapons in the event of an emergency. This is a key element of his plan, why bother stocking up on things when you can just go and help yourself, plus you could probably live comfortably inside an REI for quite a while.

• Have your girlfriend get lasix surgery so that she would not require eyeglasses or contacts, which could only slow you down. Supplies could be hard to come by, and what if you broke or lost your glasses?

I was impressed, if slightly worried, about how much thought he was putting into his planning. Naturally it got me thinking about what my own plan would be, because I am a gal that loves a plan. I forced my spouse (who does not share my love of planning) to sit down and think about this with me. He hates it when I make him do stuff like this, but he’ll thank me when the zombies are a-comin’.

So here are the basic components of our plan – so far -

Decide on a meeting place - In our case, Frederick, Maryland. [This is the part my husband gave the most thought.] We looked at the scenario of a disaster occurring while we were at work and studied a map – he works in Virginia, I work in Maryland. In looking at the atlas, he determined it would be wise to meet somewhere a little out of the way of large city centers and would not require too much time on the Beltway/major highways to get to. Where exactly in Frederick remains to be determined. But I hope the good people of Frederick will welcome us with open arms.

You never know when a nuclear apocalypse and a zombie attack might go hand in hand, so knowing the location of the nearest fallout shelter can’t hurt. I know our bank downtown has a fallout shelter sign on the side of the building – are those signs valid forever? If a building was designated a fallout shelter 50 or 60 years ago, is it always a viable fallout shelter? I have a feeling that whatever government bureaucrat was tasked with monitoring the status of the nation’s shelters probably died years ago …

Access to information – I’ll grab my car phone charger on the way out the door, but assuming that cell coverage will be affected by the marauding un-dead, we should have an alternate means of getting information. Now I know what those hand-crank radios are for – thanks, Sharper Image catalog. Too bad you went out of business, people will be sorry. Tho that is only a one-way information source, I’m hoping it doesn’t come to this but perhaps CB radio is the way to go. I’ll have to come up with a good name for the airwaves (a “handle” in CB-speak, or so I’m told).
Make sure you’ve got gasoline – We talked about the dangers of storing quantities of gas in our garage. Well, I talked about it. In a pinch, apparently I can steal some gas from the lawnmower, and I’m considering practicing siphoning techniques just in case.

Assess your H2O supplies – This admittedly is a weak part of the plan. Right now I guess we’re relying on the several gallons of distilled water that are somewhere in the basement and were purchased for a clothing steamer that has never been used. Snacks are also a weak part of the plan – frankly any stores I lay in will just get eaten the next time we’re bored or hungry, so we’ll probably have to rely on hitting a 7-11 on our way out of Dodge.

Gotta have an appropriate vehicle – I don’t think I’m comfortable with going the scooter route. Especially with the distilled water, clothes steamer, cat, etc. that we’ll have to tote with us. Recently we purchased an SUV and I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a certain relief in having a vehicle that might actually be able to mow down a zombie or two. There are probably some accessories I can buy like bull bars that would be useful for this.

Supplies – Clearly, a trip to a local military surplus store is in order, preferably one owned by an old eccentric guy who has basically been planning for a zombie attack his entire life without even knowing it.

Am also thinking about taking up krav maga or similar bad-ass self defense/martial arts training.

I love that the Centers for Disease Control has addressed this issue (zombie invasion) on their blog, cleverly disguising emergency preparedness tips with zombie talk. Check it out, you won’t be disappointed, it is well-written and useful information in the event of a zombie attack, or other type of emergency or natural disaster.

As always, it’s entertaining to read the comments, such as:

I might suggest adding a baseball bat, preferably aluminum, to your emergency kit as well. It doesn’t require ammunition and can be highly effective at clearing a path through hordes of zombies whilst trying to make good your escape.


It really depends on the zombies. If they’re Romero/Brooks, slow, lumbering zombies, a baseball bat will work just fine. Not so if they’re the Zack Snyder fast zombies. Running zombies change everything.

And this gem from a woman who calls herself “ReadyMom” – are these people fun at parties, or what?

Yes. We are a prepping household. We also send our college students to school prepared with a ‘Two-week Emergency Food Box’, A Flu Kit/Medical Kit and a 72 hour Kit is in each vehicle.

For High School graduation, we are now giving a Medical Kit and a Tool bag as gifts.

Helpful stuff, right? If I’ve learned anything from zombie movies, it’s that sure there are heroes, but in the end we can only survive when we band together. Plus it doesn’t hurt to have a good boom stick.

So share your wisdom with your fellow man and tell me what you would add to the zombie apocalypse survival plan. And remember, always double-tap.

A related PS – If you haven’t already seen it, rush to your local video store (which doesn’t exist anymore, but you know what I mean) and rent Shaun of the Dead. Do not wait.

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