Romantic - but not cheesy – movie suggestions?

I was trying to make a mental list yesterday of suitable Valentine’s Day movies. Ones that aren’t overtly Valentine’s Day-ish or over-the-top romantic flicks (like Love, Actually or Valentine’s Day the movie). Also trying to avoid flicks like Life is Beautiful or West Side Story because they make you just want to fall on the nearest pointy object in despair. I like a happy ending, har har.

Here is an unscientific and completely biased list, please post your own suggestions:

Napoleon Dynamite. Awkward and sweet, like love itself. BTW did you ever notice there isn’t a single curse word uttered in this movie?

Princess Bride. A fairy tale with humor and Inigo Montoya. And Andre the Giant!

Casablanca. Ok, I know this is a softball, but it’s a classic. Although he doesn’t get the girl it is still a satisfying ending.

The Illusionist. Surprisingly sensual, and Jessica Biel at her “considerable loveliest” doesn’t hurt.

Say Anything. Lloyd Dobler, with the boom box, Peter Gabriel song. ‘Nuff said.

An Officer & a Gentleman. Debra Winger, Richard Gere, factory scene in which he strides in wearing his military whites and literally sweeps her off her feet.

The Notebook. I wanted to hate this movie, I really did. But Ryan Gosling convinced me, especially in the rain-soaked love scenes.

Sense & Sensibility. One Austen had to make it on this list.

Dirty Dancing. Swayze! No one puts Baby in the corner.

Singin in the Rain. Debbie Reynolds personifies perky and gets her man, putting a bitchy film star in her place in the process. Who can resist Donald O’Connor and Gene Kelly?

Moonstruck. I really don’t enjoy Nicholas Cage’s work so this says a lot. The power of Cher goes a long way of course but this is just a heartwarming story with a big crazy Italian family and lovely beauty shots of New York City.

Out of Africa. I hate myself for putting this one on here, because the love affair doesn’t exactly have a happy ending, but it’s a beautifully complex and frustrating story that always makes me swoon.

So I Married an Axe Murderer. Mike Myers is undeniably charming as the goofy poet and San Francisco resident who falls for the dangerous but bewitching butcher Harriet, who has a bloody past. Great turns by Anthony LaPaglia and Alan Arkin, who for some reason was uncredited in his role.

From Justin to Kelly – just kidding.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0339034/

Last night, in honor of Valentine’s Day, my significant other was watching a movie about Pancho Villa starring Charles Bronson and Yul Brynner. Muy romantico. Altho Pancho did get married in the movie, while already being married to someone else. Powerful men and all that. Speaking of powerful historical figures, fittingly, Cleopatra was also on last night. Now that’s a sweeping love story on multiple levels. And the best eye make-up in cinematic history.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all! Now let's put this specious holiday to bed.

The Mystery of the Urinating Canine

Every morning, my husband or I pick up the two newspapers from the front yard that get delivered to us. And every morning, one of them has been peed on.

Never the Wall Street Journal, only the Washington Post. The papers are always, fortunately, wrapped in those little plastic bags … but still, it is very annoying to have a bag with pee dripping off it to deal with every morning.

I have to guess the culprit is a dog. I’d hate to think it’s a human. I also have to surmise that it’s a neighborhood dog, since it happens so regularly. But chances are that it’s a dog that’s being walked on a leash, since the vast majority of dogs seen in our neighborhood are leashed. So that means there is a human who is either facilitating or not addressing this crime. Could it be a passive aggressive neighbor who really hates our guts?

And to be honest, I am guessing the substance is pee. We haven’t had it tested. But it sure looks like pee. Other than dog urine, it could be deer pee. They do roam our ‘hood, in fact just this morning a big deer was taking a nice nap in my backyard. But we never bother them, give them free range of our yard, so why do they hate me so much they want to piss on my news?

I am going to have to get all Nancy Drew up in here, and launch a sting operation to nab the guilty party. Maybe night-vision goggles or motion-activated security cameras. I’ll scour the local army-navy surplus store and see what kind of camouflage I can get for hiding in the bushes, and I’ll let you all know what I find out.

I’ll get you, you journalism hating canine. It’s just a matter of time.

VD Gifts Explored Volume 2

Follow up to my controversial Valentine’s Day post, on gifts you really shouldn’t buy – hint - it's not cockroaches.

This info is from a website that is geared toward women who are newly married/shacking up, it’s their recommended list of what purport to be “non cheesy” Valentine’s gifts that ‘your man will really like.’

We’ll be the judge of that.

• A pillow that says “STUD” for his man cave. Er, no.
• Gourmet cookies that spell out X’s and O’s. Ehhhh … .borderline. do you really need to spend beau coup bucks on gourmet treats that are shipped in from San Francisco? Probably not. And I love San Francisco. But in general I guess sugar snackies are ok.
• Monogrammed leather cover for his iPad. YES. Finally a good one. Or, how about a leather cover with a new iPad inside. Ditto for iPhones. Or i-anything.
• Mug with kissy lips all over it. NO people. No.
• Another throw pillow that says “I love u a lot” or something to that effect. Maybe I’m just anti-throw pillows in general. Don’t get the appeal. Have multiples of them around my house, and they seem to always be in my way.
• Bi-lingual conversation hearts. Points for effort, but still no.
• Matching mittens (twittens). I’m going to have to go with – no.
• Ok, yet another throw pillow, this one with your silhouettes on it. Newp.
• Book with ideas on small places in which to have sex, e.g. theater balcony, elevator, ski lift. I don’t know if men actually need a book to give them these ideas. And no mention of the back of a Volkswagen!
• Ray Ban sunglasses. Don’t know what these have to do with Valentine’s Day, but yes, these are good. I will accept these.
• Lastly, chocolate flavored vodka. I hate to be grumpy here, because I love vodka, and I love chocolate. But I have never been inspired to combine the two.
  

Honorable mention for those of you who are truly desperate: the Bronx Zoo is offering a unique and romantic gift idea for that special someone in your life: name a Madagascar hissing cockroach in their honor. Only $10! http://bit.ly/hpu3te

Ok so now that the countdown is on and it’s only a few days before VD strikes, have you taken care of your gift-buying responsibilities? My significant other got excited when he read my last post saying how a flat-screen TV makes a good gift …. Whoops. Guess I walked into that one.
(that’s what she said)

Your Mother Has Been Very Busy! – Glorious Insults from Around the World

Last night I went to a hockey game, Washington Capitals. Despite a solid showing, they were shut out by the San Jose Sharks. At least it was the 90th sold out game in a row for the Caps, not bad.

For this game we had ‘player’s seats,’ which I guess are the tickets they give the players to give their family, friends etc. We ended up with these through a charity fund-raiser. Anyway, what I learned is that the player’s seats are actually folding chairs (which would come in handy if a riot broke out, but they don’t have cup holders so less handy for drinking) AND that the players seem to give their tickets to a lot of young, attractive women wearing a lot of perfume.

Anyway, being at a nice, aggressive hockey game made me think of insults, and not just your run of the mill insults but some of the world’s most glorious insults, curated for your pleasure.

Warning: there will be cursing. And believe me, these are the least profane ones I’ve seen.

Spanish-speaking lands. Chupe mantequilla de mi culo. Suck butter from my ass. We Spanish speakers love things that involve the ass (no comments on that), sucking (no comments), shit and calling your mother a whore.

Although ironically, in Spain, if you say something is “de puta madre,” roughly, “from a mother whore” that is a good thing. It’s a compliment.

This one gets an honorable mention because I forgot to write down its country of origin: May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes all your life. "Da Bog da ti zena rodila stonogu pa ceo zivot radio za cipele" [Eastern European methinks]

Finnish: "Piss into a transformer" (Kuse muuntajaan)

Bosnian: "I dream about farting on you" (Sanjam da prdnem na tebe)

Franch; "Ca ne vaut pas un pet de lapin" - it's not worth a rabbit's fart.

Afrikaans: Big ups to the Afrikaans language for having some of the most imaginative insults I’ve ever heard of. Here are three good ones -

"Suck on my hemorrhoids and wait for better days"

or

“Your mother has an electric-green cunt that shoots porridge."

And my personal favorite -

“Your mother engages in prostitution in order to raise funds for the building materials necessary to construct a brothel from which your sister will operate.” Jou mammie naai vir bakstene om jou sissie se hoerhuis te bou Vieslik!"

I just love the specificity. Feel free to add your own insults!

Some of my sources – very funny.
http://www.cracked.com/article_16275_9-most-devastating-insults-from-around-world.html

http://www.boingboing.net/2010/12/04/glorious-elaborate-p.html


PS – we drowned our sorrows at the loss of the hockey game afterward at the Iron Horse Tap Room – for you DC area folks, that’s in Chinatown, if you haven’t been it’s only a block or two from the Verizon Center, great beer selection, motorcycle theme (‘iron horse’) but the best part is they have Skeeball. Two old lanes with the proper wooden balls, tho they are a bit dented (I don’t approve of the lighter plastic balls you are now subjected to at the boardwalk). Anyway, 50 cents per game. This appears to be the only sport I have any sort of skills at, and I know it isn’t really a sport but throw me a bone, people. And even then, my skills are rusty, based on last night’s showing. But there is a Skeeball league ….maybe they have a remedial group.

The List of What Not to Get the Special Man in Your Life

I know, I know, Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday, a sham to get us all to spend money in the name of forced love and romance. But knowing that many of us will fall prey to tradition anyway, I humbly present my suggestions for what not to get your man as a gift for Valentine’s Day, aka VD.

• Any kind of clothing item. No one wants a tie with hearts on it, or a t shirt that says you’re a great husband. If you really are one, you won’t need to advertise it.
• Silly tchotchke type things like teddy bears, figurines, hokey love books and musical cards. In fact, anything that can be purchased in a Hallmark store is probably best to avoid unless you’re buying it for a woman in your life. And even then be judicious.
• A mug, mousepad, etc with a photo of the two of you that says “I love you” or “Together forever.” If you expect him to display this at the office, you’ve just lost him the respect of his coworkers, thereby hampering any future advancement at that company. Why curb his earning potential?
• Further, a mug that says “sweetie pie” or “honey bunch.” Or red pajamas with lovey sayings on them. Customized book that catalogues every detail of your love.
• Scrapbooked anything.
• “Sensual” food cookbook.
• Naming a star after him.
• Big giant mylar balloons. Big giant cards.
• Couples spa services. Better enjoyed with your girlfriends. Not saying he wouldn’t enjoy a massage, but in my opinion you don’t have to enjoy it together.
• Dinner at a nice restaurant. They all jack up the prices for V-Day. Screw the restaurateurs by going the week AFTER Valentine’s Day.
  

What do guys really want?
Aside from the obvious sexual favors that I don’t need to name, for gifts that don’t involve getting in your guy’s pants or vice versa, here is my suggested list of real-life gifts that hopefully won’t be a total waste of money and make him roll his eyes.

• A day off from everything. No talking, no chores, no interaction, no nothing. A day to curl up in the man cave without interruption, unshowered in flannel pants eating chips out of the bag, wiping his hands on the dog, falling asleep on the couch and enjoying general slothery with abandon.
• A flat screen TV. Size does matter, but hey, even a small one is still a flat screen TV.
• Beer. Or a good bottle of liquor.
• Order him the pizza with the 12 different kinds of meat on it.
• All of the seasons of The Wire on DVD. Nothing says love like violence and the Baltimore drug trade.
• One of those sessions where he gets to drive a race car.
• Pornography. Don’t say it with flowers, say it with April Flowers.
  

Ok so we’ve come full-circle back to sex …ain’t that always the way. So as long as we’re here, I do think there is value in buying lingerie to wear for your man. Altho I think womens’ tastes in lingerie varies greatly than mens’, skimpies are skimpies and there’s nothing wrong with some new frilly underthings.

Write-in entry: pop-up kama sutra book. If this doesn’t exist, it should.

Gifts for the Ladies?
Men, if you’re looking for gift ideas for the ladies, there are the traditional choices: jewelry. flowers. Spa services. Something luxe or indulgent like anything cashmere or pricey chocolates.

But for my money, you don’t have to spend a lot of money to commemorate your undying love. It really is the thought that counts. What does that mean? It means that gifts that show you have been paying attention, at least a little bit, are going to be the ones that she will remember. Get her something that relates to something she loved as a child. Or something that reminds you both of something from when you were first dating.

As goofy as you may feel, homemade gifts go a long way. Trust me when I say that you will earn major points for macaroni cards or picking out a photo of the two of you and selecting a nice frame. Think about the major kudos you’d get if you could figure out a way to make her a mix-tape, even if she might have a hard time finding a place to play it.

Consider an activity that she likes that you would normally avoid like the plague, such as a crafts fair, museum exhibit, etc. Watch a Lifetime movie with her. What about picking out a recipe and making dinner with a decent bottle of wine. And you clean up afterward. It may pain you, but it won’t kill you.

Do something thoughtful and manly like checking the air in her tires, filling the tank up with gas and getting her car washed.

All women are different and every relationship is different. Some of us do place a high premium on monetary value, and buying and giving expensive gifts may be a part of how you show what someone means to you. I will never insult you by refusing an expensive gift, like say a Porsche. Why, that would just be rude.

Personally, I am lobbying to commemorate VD with my guy by going to see a special screening of West Side Story at the beautiful art deco movie theater down the road. Because nothing says romance like tragic death and doomed love and dancing around with choreographed knife fights. At least they serve beer there.

And a last note on how NOT to show your affection for someone: call in a bomb threat to an airline so that your boyfriend can’t catch his flight out of the country, as in the case of this lovelorn Chilean woman who forced the evacuation of 300 people from a plane taxiing down the runway:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41449840/

How will you be celebrating the Super Bowl?

I love how marketers and the media sieze on an event like the Super Bowl to promote just about anything and come up with lame stories on the news. Special cocktails for the Super Bowl! What should you wear? Fascinating dip recipes!! Served in a hollowed out cabbage!!!

I don’t know which is worse, this or Valentine’s Day marketing. More on that later.

A newspaper that shall remain nameless had a whole spread today on the topic, promising information on what to eat, wear, drink and more for Super Bowl XLV. The ‘what to wear’ suggestions included some delightful $100 “NFL ladies’ crystal stacked rings’ – go to HSN.com if you want a ring that says STEELERS on it. I mean, why stop with a trifling towel? If you really love your team and are a fashion maven, surely you want to step up your game. Not to be outdone, QVC has lovely plaid-lined hoodies.

Some of the paper’s other suggestions for showing your team spirit are:

• Face paint
• A colored ribbon in your hair

No disrespect meant to this particular publication, but really? I feel like I am reading a middle school newsletter. In next week’s issue, we’ll share the results of the 8th grade intra-state trombone competition and Mrs. MacGillicuddy’s delicious Home Ec vanilla cupcake recipe ….

Then, in the food and beverage category, they swing wildly in another direction, suggesting that you decorate your beer with “long slivers of jalapeno peppers or a couple of slivers of lemongrass” for a fresh flavor and elegant presentation. WHaaaat? What dude in America wants to find a sliver of lemongrass in his Bud Light?? I don’t even know where I’d get slivers of lemongrass. Whole Foods, I suppose.

Note on cutting jalapenos – wear latex/disposable gloves. Do not touch your eyes. And definitely – pay attention, this is important here – do not have sex or sexual contact with yourself or a loved one with any of the jalapeno oils on your hands. Bad times.

Call me a traditionalist, but give me some 7-layer dip, a cooler full of beer (any kind of beer on this occasion) and some buffalo wings, and I’m a happy camper. I don’t care what Rachael Ray thinks is Yum-O! and I don’t trust Martha Stewart for football recipes, as if she’d deign to watch American football. Ha.

And let’s be honest, I don’t even watch football. I’m in it for the snacks and the commercials.

In the spirit of honesty, I know deep in my heart that all these articles and loose marketing tie-ins to the Super Bowl are surely meant for women. Guys, do you sit around thinking about what you’re going to wear on Sunday to watch The Big Game? Are you worried about what snackies and canapés to serve to impress Doug and Bob? Do you rush to the store to snap up ceramic trays for serving in the proper colors? Stay up late thinking about what tablecloth to use? Write to me if you do, I really want to know.

I look forward to all your reviews of the ads after Sunday. But please don’t send me any recipes.

PS – look for a future post about the perils of Valentine’s Day

Damn You Laura Ingalls

Snow, snow, go away, come again some other day. Or never. Or divert your happy self permanently up to Canada where they have lots of room to put you.

Ok so today I actually don’t have any basis for snow complaints. The big, one-two punch of weather they predicted for the DC area yesterday never materialized. In fact, the day was warmer than it has been in months. Today, the high was 50 degrees and even the rain that was forecast stayed away. Meanwhile, other parts of the country have experienced the worst snow in decades, if ever. Ironically, it will be colder in Texas for the Super Bowl than it will be in the mid-Atlantic corridor.

Some people are taking solace in the fact that Punxatawney Phil, the portly groundhog, saw his shadow today – or didn’t see his shadow, I can never remember which is which – anyway, the verdict is that spring is supposed to be coming sooner. I don’t put any stock in fat Phil, but it is a good excuse to mention Bill Murray and the fine film he starred in, “Groundhog Day.” I do love me some Bill Murray.

Anyway, back to snow. After living in warm climates for more than a decade, I opted to move back to the DC area. No disrespect to Al Gore, but I swear it has gotten colder here, and there is way more snow and ice and hail and sludge and temperatures in the teens than I ever remember there being here when I lived here last. (even factoring in what my blood alcohol content would have been back in the day as compared to now) It does make one rethink such a decision about where to live.

For now, let’s just say I’m over it and I can’t wait for signs of spring – any signs! – that we can hang our hats on. C’mon Phil.

I will say that when you live somewhere that has an actual fall and winter, it does make you appreciate spring and summer more. You want to get out and take advantage of those beautiful, sultry summer days because in the back of your little primordial mind, your body remembers when it was shivering and hunkered down and shoveling a path in the backyard so that your dogs could do their business. When you live in the desert, at some point you start to take those perpetual sunny days for granted.

When those first signs of spring appear, they come with all the trumpets and glory of new beginnings, and hope and the promise of a better, warmer future. One spindly little crocus plant nestled amid the mud never looked so good.

And I’ll suck as much joy as I can out of a warm, sunny fall, knowing that soon enough I’ll be back in my galoshes and wishing that giant parkas didn’t make me look so much like Bill Macy in Fargo.

I suppose if I were a frontier woman, I’d be using that time to can, pickle and preserve things, stocking my larder in anticipation of harsh days ahead. This I know is a direct result of reading too many of the Little House on the Prairie books when I was a kid. Laura Ingalls Wilder’s descriptions of the bleak conditions her family experienced probably cemented unconscious fears of homesteading, the Midwest, and wheat shortages.

On a road trip once from New Jersey to Oregon, a friend and I stopped in South Dakota to see a prairie sod home, or at least a re-creation of one. It reminded me of a little Hobbit home, tucked up under a ridge and pretty much carved out of the dirt and covered with grass. Inside would have been dark and bitter cold in the freezing ass winters there, but I suppose cozy in its own way. Families stuck it out and made a life for themselves there. I can’t help but think about the women in particular, and the hardships they must have endured. Do you think you would have liked the pioneer life, or have been any good at the homesteading way of life?

Suddenly I’m feeling like maybe I shouldn’t complain so much about a few inches of snow. Damn you Laura Ingalls!