Vagina Dentata

One of my new year's resolutions (well pretty much my only one) is to watch more movies. Resolutions shouldn't be difficult, should they?

The other night on IFC I caught an odd film from a few years ago called Teeth. Link below. Honestly I watched because it came on after Portlandia, and I'm not sure I'm glad I watched.

It was oddly compelling and haunting, I hope someone out there has seen it, because it's one of those movies that must be discussed. Talk therapy required.

The primary plot point involves a young girl who discovers she has a shall we say unusual gynecological condition that both serves her and proves dangerous. Can't shake it from my head does that mean it's a good movie?

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0780622/

Late to the Downton Party

I should like to have my own blend of tea named after me.
I should like to have long silk dresses dripping with beading.
I should like to have a houseful of servants.
In short, I'd like to live at Downton Abbey.

The social nuances, the strict code of conduct, the gossip and the intrigue. The crushed velvet!

The dialogue is snappy, crackling, tight and eminently quotable.

I can see why the show has caused such a fever. I deferred my invitation to the DA party for 2 seasons, afraid to accept another television show into my life. But when I heard that Shirley MacLaine was joining the cast I could no longer mount a resistance.

One episode in and I'm hooked, line and sinker. What a credit to the show's creators that they can so immediately draw viewers in to care about and be invested in the characters, from the lowliest scullery maid to the highest lady and lord.

Like the pull of the town that keeps pulling the residents back to Downton in their hearts and minds, so viewers have been genteelly sucked in to English country life in 1917.

I don't ever use Netflix but I'm going to have to. Such is the power of Downton Abbey. And let's not even get started on the hats.

Addendum to 2012 Accomplishments List

I count as one of my accomplishments of the past year that I saw the comedian Patton Oswalt perform a live set. He makes me laugh. Which I suppose is the point. As a bonus, the show was at the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse, a place that still shows $1 movies on Mondays and where a nice person brings you a pitcher of beer and pizza and other snackies while you watch a movie or a show. All business establishments should involve pitchers of beer and at least freshly popped popcorn. Back in the day (aka when I was in college) you could also smoke while you enjoyed your pitcher of beer, but I digress.

What I appreciate the most about Oswalt's humor, aside from his snide wit and cutting but not unkind observations is that I can relate to his cultural touchstones. He grew up in the Mid Atlantic region of the US (Virginia) and we are roughly the same age. I can laugh knowingly when he pokes gentle fun at the low budget commercials for Carvel Ice Cream starring the gravelly throated Tom Carvel ... which reminds me one of these days we are going to have to discuss Fudgie the Whale, Cookie Puss and Cookie O'Puss. And what is comedy if not the ability to relate to one another? I just made that up but it sounds good.

In the stand-up routine that I experienced in person, the bit that stood out the most for me was his description of going to a tony LA department store to try on designer pants and how the chic and slender sales clerks treated him like a man who didn't know he was dying for his lack of awareness of his own body and how it appeared in the John Varvatos pants ... you had to be there. Which again is I suppose the point of live comedy.

I won't try and find the clip on You Tube or link to any clips out of fear for suggesting something that's a violation of copyright in any way - hey, I respect an artist's right to own his/her own content, to the extent that they can. But do check out his website, http://www.pattonoswalt.com.

And follow him on Twitter for pete's sake, you'll thank me later - @pattonoswalt. Following his live tweets during the recent political debates was a much better use of my time than actually watching the debates themselves.

If you still have a few minutes, read this post about voting, it's what a funny and thoughtful blog should sound like and even tho we're past the elections, the message resonates: http://www.pattonoswalt.com/index.cfm?page=spew&id=158

I didn't start this post to be a love letter to Patton Oswalt, but what the hell. Laughter is life and life is love and love is laughter. I made that up too but if you want to needlepoint it on something, let me know where I can buy it on Etsy.

Did I mention Oswalt is going to be on Portlandia next week? Swoon. @ifcportlandia
http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Portlandia-Adds-Juliette-Lewis-Matt-Lucas-Patton-Oswalt-Others-Guest-Star-Season-3-49752.html

PS - oooh I thought of another accomplishment from 2012 - Ken Kercheval responded to one of my tweets. It's a marvelous time to be alive. New season of Dallas starts Jan 28 ... boom.

Test Blog

Technology is a wonderful thing, if you embrace it and know how to use it. I finally got a new phone and with it decided to move into the 21st century with an app that will let me blog on the fly. It's a wonderful time to be alive. Enjoy the gratuitous pic of one of my dogs.

You Have Your Bucket List, I Have Mine

2012 was a good year, by my measures. Had fun with my significant other, traveled and knocked some items off the bucket list. Here is a recap, and I'd love to hear about your year, your bucket lists and any resolutions you have? 

I made it to the Georgia O’Keeffe museum in Santa Fe – take that, bucket list!

We saw whales in the wild in Hawaii – being doused with blowhole water was an unforgettable experience. Being spit on by a whale is far cooler than it sounds. 

Went to the Pez Visitor Center (Orange CT) – so much delicious Pez. I never knew this should have been on my bucket list, lucky for me we drove past it on I-95.

Visited Martha’s Vineyard (ferry!)

Attended a Formula 1 race. Very cool. 

Tried Popeye’s chicken for the first time. Damn good. 

Went to Zoo Lights at the National Zoo. This may not seem like a big deal but I liked it. 

We were on TV (DIY Network). Look for us on the show "I Want That" trying out household items. I built a shelf. 

Finally saw GNR in concert. This is not easy, given Axl Rose's proclivities and likelihood to have shows cancelled. 

Toured Taliesin West, Frank Lloyd Wright’s studio in Arizona. Highly recommend. 

Experienced a NASCAR race in Richmond. Not my first NASCAR rodeo but the Richmond track is singularly interesting - you can bring your own alcohol. Good people watching. 

2^nd time around at the fun Gold cup races. 2013, will plan a proper tailgate party. 

Participated in the Washington Tennis Education Foundation auction (met Art Monk and Charles Mann, and only spent $100 on an auction item). But new rule, we are not allowed to go to charity auctions. 

Met Train (the band). Got my picture made with them. 

Threw a surprise bday party for bestie Af. I think she was truly surprised and if she wasn't, she'll never tell. 

Completed a 1,000 piece puzzle with no picture to go by. Again this may not seem like a big deal, but it can ruin relationships. 

Partied with pirates. Yup. 

Finally ate at the Peppermill in Las Vegas (hey you have your bucket list I have mine). 

Saw Poison & Def Leppard in concert for first time; saw Florence & the Machine; saw B-52s for 3^rd time.

Celebrated 5^th anniversary of going to Bethany Beach with family friends. 

Got to Dogfish Head Ale brewery restaurant (DE) and Stubb’s BBQ (TX) at last. 

  

Visited Paramount Ranch - now part of a National Park, it is a set that looks like an old Western town where scores of movies and tv shows have been filmed. 

http://www.nps.gov/samo/planyourvisit/paramountranch.htm

Took a sunset sail on a historic schooner in Baltimore harbor.

Flew Virgin America for first time – not bad.

  

Went to weddings in Maui, Martha’s Vineyard, Malibu mountains, St. Michael’s Eastern Shore Maryland, Delray Beach FL. NIce to celebrate that much love with people we care about - and fantastic venues.

Experienced Amoeba Records in LA- a fun, giant music store. 

Drove to top of Sandia Crest mountain, NM. Long story about trying to take a tram that was closed, but lovely view and drive. 

In sad news, we said goodbye this past spring to our beloved senior dog Java who went to canine heaven. For Thanksgiving, we welcomed rescue dog Cinder into our home. 

One door closes, another one opens. Sometimes a window. Here's looking forward to a great year in 2013 with my fur babies, my spouse, my friends and family - I'm a lucky gal and I wish nothing but the best and an upward trend for all of us. And Dallas is back on January 28 .... see y'all. 

  

Impressions, New Mexico

Recently I traveled to New Mexico on business. Having never spent time in the Land of Enchantment state, I stole away for a few hours to drive from Albuquerque to Santa Fe to go to the Georgia O'Keefe museum. The museum was small but lovely and I'm glad I went (and can now cross this off my travel bucket list) but I wish I had more time to explore.

On my last day there I also wanted to ride the world's longest tramway, the Sandia Peak Ski & Tramway. [www.sandiapeak.com] - I had visions of me hurtling up the side of a mountain in a James Bond ski chalet style tram, as a I drove well out of my way up the side of a mountain ... only to find once I reached the guardhouse that the Tram was CLOSED FOR ANNUAL MAINTENANCE. They might have wanted to mention that on their website, maybe. I felt a bit like Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Vacation when they show up at the gate of WallyWorld - except not really because I wasn't actually that upset, just a little disappointed.

never one to let travel snafus slow me down, I quickly changed plans and decided that if I couldn't take the tram, I would drive my damn self up the mountain. Or up a mountain at any rate. So on a Friday in early November, I found myself driving to Sandia Crest, a 10,700 foot elevation in the Cibola National Forest.

While it wasn't that cold down on the ground/non mountain elevation, at the top it was freezing, and I actually saw snow flurries at the peak. I'm sure the view from there is fantastic, at the moment I was there it was swathed in clouds so you could literally see nothing, but it was kind of neat feeling like I was inside a cloud.

The getting there was half the fun as they say, a nifty drive with lots of switchbacks. Before the flurry elevation, I saw light rain through a bright sun ... red rocks, sandstone ... evergreen trees and hiking trails ... signs warning of bear country. Wild turkeys! Clouds rolling over me like spirits ... sharp blue skies in the distance ... log cabins. My ears popped. At one point I was on Route 66, getting my kicks.

I can see why many artists and those with a spiritual bent are drawn to the area.
More on my observations of NM at another time.

Toddlers & Tiaras Horrorfest 8/22

I haven’t written about Toddlers & Tiaras in a while, but the episode this past week in Las Vegas was sufficiently horrific to inspire me. Somehow bringing the already disturbing spectacle to Sin City upped the ante, so to speak. 

In the opening montage of pageant scenes, they showed an Oompah Loompah (Roald Dahl version not Johnny Depp version) looking child of the four-to-six year old boy persuasion who was stripping as his talent routine.

The episode focused on families of the ilk that have a lot of money or at least like to seem like they have a lot of money and they spend it conspicuously on things like McMansions, bright yellow Vipers and lots and lots of cosmetic surgery.

One child arrived by helicopter. Another arrived in a giant pink Hummer limousine, because that’s what the three-year old requested. Uh huh.

One of my faves was the douchebaggy pageant dad, who a friend referred to as either gay or a serial killer. I vote both. Throughout the show he sported t-shirts that said:

• ·       I Heart Lesbians
• ·       I don’t date single moms I make them (??)
• ·       I support single moms (with image of a stripper dancing on a pole)

Horrible delusion pageant mom Kelly or Kelli is back … I think they lived in Lake Havasu, Arizona previously (which was somehow fitting) and they now appear to live in Las Vegas (perhaps even more fitting), but not that I care so let’s suffice it to say that this train wreck of a human has already ruined her three-year-old twins. Ruined. And her plastic surgeon should be shot.

One of the highlights of this episode was the pageant judges, all drag queens, tho one was not in drag. The others were Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and Cher. Cher totally read the horrid Kelly/Kelli awful twin family. As someone so wisely pointed out, ‘money can’t buy you personality.’

The little girl that arrived by copter seemed to be subsidized by her grandmother, who had a face lift face that was difficult to look at. What was almost more difficult to observe was how mute the child’s mother was. I don’t think she uttered a single word the entire show.

These women’s plastic surgeons ought to be SHOT. Stripped of their medical licenses.

Douche dad had a cute kid who seemed to have some talent and a halfway decent personality, either in spite of or in response to d-bag daddy. At her pageant coach’s studio (all the kids had the same coach BTW) she went through some of her routines and posed for the head shots and photos that it seems they have to submit in order to compete in the pageants.

So her theme for the photo shoot was the Blue Man Group … in midget form. For reals. I have no idea what was going on. It was the little girl and two little people in blueface. Posing for photos with their legs in the air.

And I have to call the pageant coach out on the giant flippers two of the little girls were wearing. Awful. Scary grandma face was mad at pageant coach so she’ll get hers I’m sure.

In one of the on-camera interviews with little copter girl, they asked: What’s a drag queen?

Little girl’s response: That’s where you take your clothes when you don’t want to wash them yourself.

Ha!

PS – after T&T there was a new episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Cholesterol and Diabetes festival or whatever it is called. At one point they pass an establishment called the “Kuntry Stoe.” Close. Close to English. And the Kuntry Stoe was advertising cured hog jowls, whatever those are. But let’s just say that I don’t think little Glitzy the pet pig was actually given back to “the breeder” no sir indeedy. Unless in their language breeder is a euphemism for “meat grinder.” Just saying.