Week 3 of Dallas - wheeeee

Spoiler alert - if you haven't watched the episode yet, stop reading. 

Episode opens with Christopher having sexy dream about Elena. As if we didn’t already know he still has feelings for her. They had to throw some sex into this episode, and that's about all we got. 

Attention to detail: John Ross has fake Marta del Sol (FMarta) listed in his phone as Marta del Sol. Good thinking. 

JR and John Ross are still working on getting dirt on Lawyer Lubell’s drunky son, to use as leverage.

I wish JR would get his teeth fixed.

JR squared plot to set up drunky son. JR proposes using FMarta, John Ross demurs.

JR refers to Elena as “that Mexican girl.” Nice.

Never one to not go right for the jugular, John Ross calls Rebecca and reveals that he knows she sent the email to Elena that broker her and Christopher up. Does JR know that John Ross has this intel?

JR’s PI digs up dirt on FMarta, turns out she’s bipolar and has a history of violent stalking. JR declares her ‘Crazier than an outhouse rat.’ They plot to somehow use FMarta and Elena against John Ross.

Miss Ellie’s silver collection is missing – cue Rebecca’s “brother” Tommy. Anne is planning a big BBQ at the ranch. Then she and Bobby are moving to … a condo? As if.

Christopher and Rebecca are now staying at Southfork (SF).

Elena comes in with some bids for a test of the methane something something that she needs to review with Christopher. They exchange longing glances … and cue Rebecca walking in awkwardly.

Referring to one of the contractors who is bidding on the tests, Christopher says, “In the oil business, cheap and fast gets you good and dead.”

Rebecca rushes off to the library to study for the Texas bar exam.

Anne is annoyed because Bobby won’t spend time going through “his family’s” things while they are moving.

JR shows up at Sue Ellen’s office to give her a ‘good luck charm’ for her pending campaign for governor, Miss Ellie’s pearls that he ‘found’ while cleaning up SF. Suddenly Cliff Barnes (Yay Ken Kercheval) bursts in and JR gets annoyed, says Cliff “must have been out of his tiny mind” if he thought they would sell SF to him. Sue Ellen says she contacted Cliff to get political advice. (this refers back to the original Dallas when Cliff ran for some office backed by a fake campaign that JR used to set him up, or something like that)

“You lost the right to have a say in with whom I lunch, a long time ago.” Sue Ellen to JR.

Rebecca wasn’t going to the law library after all!! She was meeting John Ross. She feebly protests that she wasn’t the one who sent the email. Although it could have been her brother. Either way, she accepts John Ross’s bargain – if she helps him with his underhanded plot to frame Lawyer Lubell’s drunky son, then he’ll let her get away with her plot to scam Christopher, whom John Ross refers to as “my dimwitted cousin.” (Dimwitted but hot) She is supposed to get photos of Drunky Son doing drugs. John Ross says “You strike me as a resourceful girl, Rebecca,” you’ll figure it out. I agree.

With twists and turns like this, the first third of the episode flew by!

Elena meets John Ross at their fave local bar. She says she’s there to talk business and needs his help charming some old lady out of her oil rights because he’s “a lot better at people than she is.” Yikes.

She charms him by saying “you look a lot better as an oilman than a barfly.”  JR’s PI is at the bar watching the whole exchange.

Christopher and Bobby are mending fences – literally. How quaint. Wonder why one of their 900 ranch hands can’t do this. Ever prescient Bobby is tuning in to the fact that it might be awkward for Christopher having his ex-girlfriend and wife in such close proximity .. gee why didn’t Christopher think of that.

One of the above mentioned ranch hands pulls up in one of the 900 gleaming white pickup trucks with the SF logo emblazoned on the side to alert Bobby that a pregnant cow is in trouble! He’s such a humanitarian and renaissance man!

Cue crusty old lady Henderson to be charmed out of her oil. She says to John Ross: “oh, you’ve got your daddy’s charm, let’s hope you didn’t get his morals.” Too late.

Twice FMarta has called John Ross and he’s ducking her calls. Foreshadowing stalkery.

In a compete show of maturity, John Ross starts spraying Elena with a hose. Really. They engage in some light hugging, which is captured on film by the creepy PI who is working for JR. Elena stops before it goes any further.

Elena tells John Ross she needs to tell Sue Ellen how much it will cost to hire a crew to rape Old Lady Henderson’s land for oil. (in previous episode, SE agrees to back Elena financiall. Unclear if SE’s intentions good or not. Or Elena’s for that matter)

Elena asks if John Ross will go with her to see SE, his Momma. He says it may not be cordial. SE wants to be an ally to John Ross but he is resentful of her absence or alcoholism or whatever during his youth. Something about a boarding school, wah wah.

Love the Dallas beauty shots.

SE expresses concern that John Ross is in touch with JR, asks if he thinks his father has really changed. John Ross says he’s glad he’s finally teaching him about the oil business and stalks out. No one enters or leaves a room normally in this family.

SE looks wistfully at the pearls. She should rub them against her teeth to see if they’re real, that’s what I would do.  

Cut to Christopher and Bobby discussing women problems while working on a cow having a difficult labor. Really.

Christopher reveals that he and E were going to elope, and that he found out right before he was to marry Rebecca that they were duped by the fake email (femail). Christopher declares his love for Rebecca but admits he “can’t stop thinking about what could have been.” Was afraid Bobby wouldn’t be proud of him. Bobby says he has to make a choice, let go of Elena for good. “I don’t know if I can,” says Christopher.  C still believes John Ross sent the email.

Bobby wisely decides to take off his watch before sticking it in a cow’s bum.

Unclear how much time has actually elapsed between episodes but Rebecca already has wedding photos on display in her bedroom. I guess money buys you a very speedy photographer.

Rebecca poses as recovering addict to ensnare Drunky Son, who is leading an AA or NA meeting. She’s low.

I think JR’s PI is named Bum. Or Bump.

JR wants to use the photos of John Ross and Elena frolicking with the hose to enrage FMarta. Knowing full well that she has violent stalker tendencies! That man is a dickhead.

Sounds like stuff will go down at the big BBQ (shocking).

“You know I’m good at trouble,” says Bum(p). “Me too,” says JR.

Elana asks John Ross to go back in business with her. As for the personal part, she says “one step at a time.”

John Ross arrives at his loft to find FMarta waiting angrily for him. He of course lies to her about where he’s been. They of course kiss passionately.

Cut to Rebecca sitting in a car with Drunky Son – who gets into a car with a total stranger? 12 steps or not. She tries ham-handedly to get him to do drugs. He says he’s clean, and not interested. He seems like a nice guy, probably the only one on the show, so of course he will get screwed royally. He reveals his weakness, his wife/girlfriend. That will likely be used against him in future.

Rebecca backs down.

She finds Tommy in her room at SF installing the program in Christopher’s computer so they can steal his patent. He also says he’s digging around in the family info at SF to find info they can use to exploit the family. He says it’s all about money but I wonder if there isn’t some sort of revenge involved? They said their parents died when they were young, any chance they blame the Ewings? Are their parents even really dead? I saw part of this plot on an episode of Monk once, BTW.

FMarta makes Neiman Marcus open after hours so she can buy John Ross an expensive watch (because he was late for their date). Classic stalker move.

Nice Neiman Marcus placement. Nice Piaget placement.

Rebecca calls, says she couldn’t go through with Drunky Son set-up. She appears to have some shred of a conscience. But John Ross, undeterred, threatens her again and says by tomorrow afternoon she better have pix of DS doing drugs or he’s going to tell Christopher everything. Unclear what he knows besides the tracing of the IP address to her of the mysterious Christopher-Elena break-up email.

FMarta offers to get the pictures of DS doing drugs first thing in the morning. DS has two strikes and evidence of doing drugs will get him three strikes and in Texas jail for like forever.

Cut to sad scene of birthing cow dying.

Cut to JR chatting Elena up, encourages her to invite John Ross to the BBQ. Mention of John Ross being dyslexic. JR has invited SE over to the ranch. She says Cliff Barnes wants to fund her campaing. JR says “that man is as see-through as a mosquito net” and he just wants to be in her pocket. SE says “everybody wants something. What do you want?” He says, “a fresh start.”

She’s not wearing the pearls.  

Cut to scene of adorable baby cow being introduced to a new cow foster mom. Cue discussion about Christopher’s adoption (nice segue!!)

Did I mention that Elena also lives on the ranch? Every freakin’person lives there.

Christopher shows up with a check for $20k for Elena for her help with the methane testing. He is rude and says he wants there to be no question in future of ownership and he wants “no obligation to her.” Says she is ambitious and always trying to prove how she’s more than just the help’s daughter, and that it’s clear how quickly she will compromise her integrity for money. She missed a great opportunity to slap him!

Likely he is just being harsh to make it easier on them not being sweet on each other, but he said some very dirtbaggy things.

She sends John Ross a text and asks him to be her date to the BBQ. Couldn’t his father just have invited him?

If FMarta is worth her salt as a stalker she’s reading his texts.

John Ross tells JR that Marta is taking care of the Lubell issue and that he will confront Lubell first thing in the morning. He texts Rebecca to let her know he’s coming to the BBQ.

FMarta is taking her pills with alcohol, and is upset that John Ross broke their “date.” JR shows up at her door with the pictures of John Ross frolicking with Elena. She now knows that John Ross lied to her yesterday and was with Elena, and that he is on his way to SF to be with Elena.

FMarta gives JR the pix of Drunky Son, he looks dead in them. JR offers her a new deal with him.

Yay Charlene Tilton! She looks good.

It doesn’t look quite humid enough at this BBQ.

Jeezy Creezy even the damn dance floor at the BBQ has a big SF logo on it.

Rebecca tells Christopher she has to tell him something.

JR goes immediately to Lubell and threatens him with the pix. Demands 100% of the deed, cutting John Ross out of his half. Says “John Ross can wait his turn.”

Father of the year!!

Rebecca says that she has to tell Christopher something about the infamous email. Duhn duhn duhn!

Dayum, the episode is over already!!

PS - they found the silver.  

Week 2 of DALLASMANIA

I’ve been anticipating the return of Dallas to TV since last year. TNT has been wisely hyping it on social media since summer 2011.

The premiere did not disappoint. They also wisely showed two back-to-back episodes on June 13, and in addition to receiving record cable TV ratings which surely made the network and advertisers sit up and take notice, it got the attention of viewers -- it made your head spin to see the double, triple and dare I say quadruple crossing that went on. The backstabbing, the intrigue, and the gotcha moments … well I hope you DVRd it or can watch it online because I don’t have the emotional energy to recap it here.

I couldn’t wait for the second week, here is the blow by blow recap I recorded while watching the episode. Never has 60 minutes flown by so fast! It was giddying I tell you.

Nothing like starting an episode with JR holding a straight razor to the neck of his son, John Ross, and threatening him for daring to maneuver to cut him out of 2 billion barrels of oil.

The irony of course being that John Ross is really a chip off the old block, JR can’t help but be proud and respect his son’s douchebag wiliness.

JR asks him to ‘find it in your heart’ to give him a chance to be a father and teach him the old business – don’t trust him John Ross!

So far the only person who seems good is Elena, the daughter of  Bobby’s maid who was engaged to marry Christopher (Bobby’s “foundling” son – I mean, who uses the word ‘foundling’?) two years ago but is now bonking John Ross and is in business with him. But that goodness either can’t last or is a show. I guess Bobby’s wife (second wife to be exact), Anne, seems good also but you know you can never be sure.  She almost seems too good/unsuspecting, and is a little flirty with her son’s wife’s (supposed) brother who is of course now working on her ranch.

So Elena and Christopher apparently used to be hot and heavy but two years ago on the eve of their marriage, Elena receives an email from Christopher breaking things off. She flees to Mexico to find solace and John Ross follows her …

Christopher in the first week marries some new chick Rebecca who has got to be a bad seed, you just know it. She has some (supposed) brother, Tommy, that is hanging around and acting suspicious.

Of course Christopher didn’t send the email and I immediately had my theories on who could have sent Elena the infamous email that broke her and Christopher up two years ago:

JR

Bobby

Rebecca and/or her ‘brother’  (he alludes to having been working on their ‘plan’ for two years)

Sue Ellen

Anne

John Ross

The butler

Everyone

Wasn’t Elena just a little suspicious that Christopher would have broken off their engagement (they were due to marry the NEXT DAY) with an email? Not a text message? C’mon, Elena.

How many people believe that Rebecca’s brother Tommy is really her brother?

And why does Anne seem so chummy with him? Brother alludes to having killed people while shooting at the SF (Southfork) shooting range.

If you followed along in week one, there is a group of mysterious Hispanic financiers who are fronting the deal to buy Southfork (while pretending to be the Del Sol convervatory). These shady financiers should know better than to threaten JR! Always bet on JR people.

In one scene, Faux Marta Del Sol (FMarta) is taking some sort of prescription drug, which will surely be revealed later.  

FMarta also presumably has a videotape she made of her and John Ross having sex, they have some sort of sordid backstory.

Further spoiler alert – Bobby has the cancer. Stoically, he doesn’t want to tell his family but the wife finds his medicine.  Of course there is a surgery to help him.

Bobby’s surgery to remove his tumor was a success, yay! But the doctors were wrong about his prognosis and possibility for recurrence, boo!! But there’s a special drug he can take, yay! But there are serious side effects, boo!! Duhn duhn duhn

Bobby calls his lawyer (crooked) Lubell to put the sale of the ranch on hold .. duhn duhn duhn!! Sorry you have to watch week one to really know what’s going on.

Ok, next scene. Bobby gets a call from JR’s doctor, and doesn’t even bother to ask his name? he believes it right away? Of course it was faked to get JR back in the house – simple but effective ploy.

Bobby’s reaction - “It will be great having a rattlesnake in the house.”

Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval) is back! Another rival for the land.

Suddenly Bobby is just as impassioned about keeping the family land as he was about selling it . ?

Elena and Rebecca having lunch together, not awkward at all.

Bets on whether Rebecca is actually falling for Christopher or will she go on with the long con slash possible revenge?

So a mysterious and slightly threatening chrome dome (reminiscent of the 7-UP guy) shows up at your door (where you are conducting methane experiments) and says Cliff Barnes is inviting you to dinner and the car is waiting downstairs … well of course you go!!

I think “slightly sinister” is the direction given to the writers, scorers and directors of the show – if you just read the plot points on paper, they sound fantastically cheesy but somehow they manage to pull it off.

Nice placement for the Omni Hotel, where Cliff Barnes, “Uncle Cliff” rented out an entire floor.  Oooh, Uncle Cliff wants to invest in Christopher’s alternative energy company. Well that dinner didn’t last long. Christopher storms out.

Cliff is brother to Christopher’s real mother, Pam, who ‘disappeared’ but $10 says she comes back.  Two words: VICTORIA PRINCIPAL

Of course Anne rides around with a shotgun on her horse.  She hears something in one of the rooms in the barn, and comes around the corner, gun drawn, to find JR leafing through old family papers. Of course the fabulously wealthy Ewings keep their priceless family papers, photos and heirlooms in a spare room in the stable?

“Bullets don’t seem to have much of an effect on me, darling, “ is JR’s retort to Anne., who unbelievably isn’t suspicious of JR and just asks him to lock up when he leaves.

For as backstabby as this family is, people seem to be relentlessly not suspicious when something clearly smacks of suspicion. Or are they??

JR finds his mother’s (Miss Ellie) journal and gives it to John Ross to find dirt to use in their favor. “You are my son, tip to tail,” says JR to John Ross. “Nobody gives you power. Real power is something you take.”

Rebecca lies to her brother, saying she hasn’t had a chance to install the program that will give them control over Christopher’s computer. He wants dirt on the methane experiments.

Oooh, per the journal, Miss Ellie spent some time in a mental institution.

Eh, who cares, it’s not like mental illness is the stigma it once was.

Oh wait, I get it, it’s ammunition to overthrow Ellie’s will through allegations of incompetency.

JR slapping John Ross must have felt pretty good.

OK so Christopher is back to setting methane on fire. Which must smell AWESOME.

Question: Is Christopher’s lab/office/business in the same building as his apartment/loft?

Since Elena helped figure out the issue of how to harvest the methane, does that mean she and Christopher are now business partners?

Wow that was fast, Bobby capitulated and went back to the idea of selling Southfork.  Lawyer Lubell leaves with signed paperwork.

Christopher tells Bobby to stop protecting him, and that he can beat John Ross.

And cue Bobby revealing his cancer diagnosis. Christopher understandably gets upset and feels like Bobby is shutting him out, storms out. Christopher immediately reveals cancer diagnosis to Elena and dissolves into tears. They embrace, which segues IMMEDIATELY into a kiss. Which lasts about .10 seconds, just long enough for Rebecca’s ‘brother’ Tommy to snap a photo of it on his phone.

Tommy wastes no time sending pic to Rebecca, prompting her to load the program into Christopher’s computer (or did she)…

Fitting that John Ross drives a Corvette. And that Christopher drives a Tesla.

But regarding their wardrobe, must Christopher wear those unfashionable white sneakers? 

Ah, the Hispanics are Venezuelans. Makes sense, and leaves the door open for future political intrigue.

Now Lubell ups the ante, demanding $5 million from John Ross or he calls Bobby and spills the dirt. Last week it was $2 million, and the original offer was $500,000. But John Ross is getting dirt on Lubell via his drunky son who killed an old lady in a DUI.

Christopher immediately divulges cancer diagnosis to Rebecca, and says when he first heard he was upset and says Elena “helped me through it.” Doesn’t tell her about the kiss, but says now he knows what’s really important and that he loves her (Rebecca). They embrace.

Christopher has bright idea for him and Rebecca to stay at SF until the sale is complete. They’ll all be under the same roof!

Cut to shot of Rebecca throwing jump drive (with offending program) into the trash as they hug. Of course she could later fish it out of the trash; a nosy housekeeper could find it; Bobby could stumble upon it; or the ‘brother’ could just give her another jump drive, they are pretty cheap these days.

That’s the beauty of this show, it’s like a “choose your own adventure” book – there are so many directions you can go in because no one has any moral compass. North, South, East, West! I wonder how set in stone the story arcs are at the beginning of the season. They must have to film and edit the shows well in advance, but do they tweak the plotlines as they go along when they see what the audience is responding to? Need to look into this more.

Anyway, Anne then tells Bobby that JR knew about Miss Ellie’s journal and that he gave it to John Ross. Bobby laughs, isn’t mad. Says it’s just who JR is, and who he will always be. But he grimaces, maybe he is mad after all.

John Ross’s chance at shutting down Lubell, dirt on his DUI son, falls through since the witness died. Tells his PI (?) to keep digging.

PI reveals that he knows who sent the infamous email to Elena, it was Rebecca Sutter. DUNH DUNH DUNH 

Final question - who decorated Southfork, Anne Richards?  It’s like let’s stick a star and an SF logo everywherrreeeee.

Next Wednesday can’t get here fast enough.  

Toddlers & Tiaras – Sparkle Baby Eyes

I think this one is the rerun from last week, I watched it tonight because I thought Project Runway was on and got all excited, only to remember that it’s on THURSDAY nights. Dammit.

Anyway, as long as we’re here, some highlights and observations from this fine episode, which captures the action of the Rock Star Divas and Dolls pageant in Darien, GA:

Pageant director Chasity (ummm) promises a “showboat of fun,” brought to you from … the local middle school cafetorium.

Featured contestants:

Payton, ginger, age two, has been performing her ‘Pebble’ routine (as in the Flintstones character) for “about two years,” per her mother. Quite a prodigy that one. Too bad she gets shown up by another child with an actual Flintstones car.

Mom applies to this two-year old: false eyelashes (aka “sparkle baby eyes”) and fake nails.

Olivia, 3, of Willacoochie, Georgia. Maybe someday they’ll write a biography about her: A Hoochie From Willacoochie. Perhaps to coincide with her presidential run.

Her mother is special, and together they dye their miniature pony purple and straighten his mane with a flat iron. I wish I could make this stuff up.

According to mom, they had to stop entering the local beauty pageants because the judges were always being swayed by some kid that had cancer or some illness. So their strategy is to enter the regional glitz pageants instead. I guess there’s no room for debilitating diseases in the world of glitz.

Mom also goes on to say, in a nutshell, that being better looking gives you a leg up in life. She makes the statement that “popular kids aren’t ugly.” And that it’s just the way of the world that looks matter. Sure, looks count, I’d be foolish to say they don’t. But Mom is kind of missing the other part of the lesson, which is that looks aren’t everything.

But in this pageant, the beauty category is the one in which a contestant can win the most points, so I guess looks do count. Duh, me.

Her child though is the one who shows true wisdom, shouting at the mother throughout the show to “Go away,” “I don’t like you,” and “Stop talking to me.” Well said, Olivia.

Can’t quite put my finger on it, but with the giant fall of hair they put on Olivia her proportions look more like a little person than a child, or maybe a Bratz doll. Clearly she’s a shoo-in for pageant greatness.

The pageant announcer says at one point, “everyone loves the exciting swimsuit competition.” Well, not everyone. I for one, find it creepy. But I’m sure the pedophiles in the crowd find it exciting. On a side note, someday we’ll discuss how the titles and crowning works, but it’s all terribly complicated and I don’t fully understand it yet. Maybe after I go to grad school I’ll be able to grasp it. Just know this about Rock Star Divas and Dolls: they do NOT double crown. And why are the crowns always too damn big?

Haley, in the 7 to 9 year old category, claims one of her hobbies is “traveling the world.” Really, Haley? And how many girls (or their moms, rather) answered the question of favorite color with: pink? Big shocker there. In a previous episode, one girl’s mother chided her for saying she liked all colors of the rainbow, claiming that was tacky. ?

Haley’s dad is an ‘involved’ pageant dad who has the mom on a walkie talkie so he can go spy on the competition and report back to her on which kids have new outfits.

Haley’s mom says, “Sometimes the pageant world can be a cruel world.” Yes, and sometimes the world can be cruel in the sense of the genetic lottery that decides who your parents are.

Drat, the new episode of Toddlers & Tiaras is on next, back at ya later.

Hailey’s dad, you need a new hobby.

Project Runway Season 9 – First Show

Herewith, my review/stream of consciousness initial impressions on the first show of season nine of the ever-lovin show we know as Project Runway that aired last Wednesday, July 27. Obsess with me …

Regarding the contestants – call me cynical (I’ve been called worse), but … OF COURSE you have to put the testicular cancer survivor on the show. OF COURSE you have to put the former Miss Universe contestant on (even though she can’t sew, more on that below). OF COURSE you have to put on the cute 57 year old man who recently lost his partner to AIDS and is beating an alcohol problem …

But the beauty of the first show is the inherent promise that all the candidates possess. They’re all brand-spanking shiny and new, freshly scrubbed and eyes twinkling. It’s anyone’s game at the beginning. Any one of them could be a star.

Regarding the true stars, Heidi Klum looks fan-freakin-tastic. But I have a complaint: they didn’t show her legs at all in this episode. There should be something in her contract about always showing leg, although I believe she’s an executive producer so that may be moot.

Michael Kors looks slightly less…orange?

Nina Garcia is consistently stylish – props to my Colombiana compatriot.

Guest judge Christina Ricci had some relevant comments but looked a bit too thin for my tastes, in that bobblehead kind of way.

Regarding the first challenge – the 16 contestants are ripped from sleep in their trendy communal lofts at 5 am and ordered to march as is (no showering, not even allowed to put on a bra) through the streets of Manhattan with only a bedsheet to cover themselves. HORROR. That is one of my nightmares that people will see what I look like when I first wake up. Aside from the horror of being awoken at 5 am, which is the middle of the night. After this experience, I would henceforth sleep fully dressed and in full make-up. I may just start doing that in my life anyway just in case.

One of my two favorite quotes from this episode:

“It didn’t really occur to me that I would be that far behind, until I was that far behind.” – uttered by the former Miss Universo contestant from Trinidad. She is lovely and stylish.

On the surface, she’s got that going for her. She’s gorgeous and she was a Miss Universe contestant. Hampering her, however, is her admission that she can’t sew – she only started learning sewing skills four months before the show. Haven’t the producers learned their lesson yet in putting people on the show who can’t sew? I reject that choice. Although lo and behold this contestant did surprisingly well in the first challenge – could it be that the judges know better than I do? Hmmm.

Prior to airing the first show of the new season, Bravo aired a special pre-show to chronicle the audition and casting process, which was interesting. I applaud this addition to the line-up. Of course I only caught the last 15 minutes or so of that show, but I’ll catch up on that when Bravo replays it about 57,000 times.

Other new thing this season, during the first show, they invited 20 contestants to NYC and had them all show their wares on racks like during the casting process, and eliminated 4 of them right off the bat. So 4 of them had to go home before the show even started. Kind of a bummer.

Early on, the runway shows seem so long since there are so many contestants. Then as the season progresses, and there are fewer contestants, you find yourself wishing for more outfits on the catwalk. Early on, I don’t learn names. Early on, I don’t get attached too soon. You never know who is going to be eliminated from the competition and break your heart.

Second favorite quote of the night, from Michael Kors commenting on one of the ensembles, that was, in his estimation, “… instead of being fashion forward, it’s fashion backward.”

Tune in this Wednesday for installment two of this season, and we'll discuss. No?

Bravo, how I’ve missed you

Used to be, the Bravo channel would put something on the air, and I’d watch it. They could film someone in Manhattan (surely someone svelte and well-styled) rearranging his or her linen closet and I’d tune in religiously. Of course it wouldn’t hurt that the linen closet was probably stocked with Frette and Pratesi worth more than my car and that the person was fabulous.

Bravo has a rhythym and a style and it works. From the Fab Five to Top Design to Real Housewives of Atlanta – I was in.

But after Project Runway moved to Lifetime (a move I still don’t entirely approve of), the Bravo channel and I had a cooling off period. Plus, Top Chef has been hiatus seemingly forever and My Life on the D List was sadly cancelled.

But at least they are still showing Kathy Griffin’s stand-up specials, and last night I caught “50 and Not Pregnant,” She looks fabulous, especially for a 50-year old. I know cosmetic surgery is involved, I know, but still. She is owning it and she is rockin’ it.

After the Griffin special, I got sucked into chef Rocco DiSpirito’s latest endeavor, the reality show “Rocco’s Dinner Party.” In the show, Rocco invites a mélange of b-list actors, chefs, business people, food writers, etc. to an awkward dinner party catered by two competing chefs. For example, this week’s guests included Raven Symone and the guy that stands out in my mind for playing the jerk Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore.

Aside from the laziness factor of not changing the channel, there were two reasons I stayed tuned for part of the Rocco show:

1. I’m trying to figure out what the deal is with Rocco DiSpirito. He seems to have bounced around from reality show, to restaurant, to web series (is that the Siberia of Hollywood or totally legit nowadays?) and of course multiple cookbooks – but yet it feels like he has never quite broken through to the big time. Is he not living up to his potential or is he just overrated?

Did we all get together as a society and decide that we’re willing to keep giving Rocco vehicles because he’s tall and good-looking and has some cooking talent? I’m ok with that, I just want to know if that’s what was agreed to.

2. Second reason for watching, in the promo clips and the show bumps, it looked like one of Rocco’s guests was a Liza Minelli impersonator. 45 goram minutes into the episode, and no Liza. Disappointing.

I will say a highlight of the show was the décor and the design of the dining rooms. Is Rocco like a nice-looking piece of furniture? He’s handsome, but I don’t know if he’s got the personality to carry this. Maybe throw Padma in there to liven things up.

But Bravo, I’m glad we kissed and made up. Smooch smooch.

P.S. the new season of Project Runway debuted tonight on Lifetime. Since I think Bravo and Lifetime are owned by the same parent company, I don’t feel like it’s really cheating for me to watch. I wanted to let the new season wash over me and enjoy the experience, and in a few days I’ll be ready to talk about it – possibly in an obsessive manner.

The Train Wreck That is Toddlers & Tiaras

This blog post is inspired by the fresh madness brought to me each week courtesy of the TLC program Toddlers & Tiaras.

According to a Wikipedia page devoted to the show, it’s described as:
“Toddlers & Tiaras is an American reality series that debuted on TLC in 2009. The show follows the controversial world of child beauty pageants, looking closely at the pageant contestants and their families as the children prepare for their pageant shows. The show airs without any narration to avoid passing judgment.”

Not so sure about the not “passing judgment” comment – it’s amazing how much judgment can be passed through strategic editing. Anyway, even if you haven’t watched the show, suffice it to say it provides a television platform for a unique genre of parent known as a “pageant mom,” and in some cases, pageant dads. Think ‘stage mother’ but far more twisted. It’s a train wreck that I can’t help but watch.

This week I caught the episode that chronicles the inaugural “Miss Georgia Spirit” pageant in North Georgia, and the story of a child inexplicably named, Story.

In addition to Story’s story, other highlights of this episode include:

• A mother who claims her 2-year old “loves her tanning sessions” (if you have to ask why a 2-year old needs a tan, tune in)

• This pageant has a swimsuit competition – why oh why do we need a swimsuit category for babies and toddlers?

• One of the judges was some poor man described as a “local businessman” who must have been duped into the experience of being a beauty pageant judge – the look on his face can only be described as “kill me now”

• One of the pageant director’s thoughts on diversity: “the kids all come from different homes, and different families (really??) and even – from different parts of the state of Georgia!” Ok …

• Now when I think formalwear, I think 0-24 month-olds.

I don’t like to think about it much, but there are people making a lot of money like the pageant directors, the stylists, the coaches, dressmakers. (One dress. For a child. Can cost upwards of $1000.) Seems like it could be a lucrative endeavour – have you ever seen the movie “Happy, Texas”?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162360/

Love me some Steve Zahn, a poor man’s Bill Macy.

Incidentally, if you are looking for unusual baby names, look no further than T&T, which is thick with kids with names like Story, Paisley, Paris, Sterling, Destiny, Essence (kind of literal, dontcha think?), Makynli, Sparkal, Yrvana, Daylee, Kianna, Dianely… c’mon, people!!

Recommended watching is Tom Hanks’s send-up of Toddlers & Tiaras on the Jimmy Kimmel show? A funny six and half minutes, even if you’re not a Hanks fan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPLWKBWkn3s

If you have the stomach for this, in this heart-warming clip my friend Will kindly posted on my wall, Paisley shows her skill at nose picking.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Booger Snack : Video : TLC
http://tlc.discovery.com/videos/toddlers-tiaras-booger-snack.html

Oooh, the Universal Royal Grand Nationals episode is on right now – with the doting dad who intends to use the prize money to put a lift on a truck, and thinks of spending money on his daughters as being akin to performing maintenance on a car – and the mom who keeps her child’s energy up with the use of “dance candies,” also known as sugar cubes. Gotta go.

Bonus link, check out my previous post on the show for more info -
http://taniahandersen.blogspot.com/2011/03/toddlers-tiaras-and-terror.html?zx=a3983d443164f72e

Running zombies change everything. What’s your zombie apocalypse plan?

Let’s talk about Bruce Campbell, zombie attacks and distilled water.

The world rejoiced this week when Bruce Campbell confirmed there would be a fourth Evil Dead movie. Bring it! I hope this does come to fruition. Someday I hope that you too will have the chance to see Evil Dead: the Musical performed live on the stage. I saw this a few years ago in Toronto, and it was funny and entertaining – think of a campy musical with lots and lots of fake blood. The dance numbers and songs about the Necronomicon are worth the price of admission alone. If you sit too close to the stage, they give you rain ponchos to wear to protect you from the spewing blood. That wasn’t an issue in Toronto, where it was a good-sized, nice theater, the kind where you sit at a little table instead of a row of seats, and a nice waitress brings you booze during the show – my kind of theater.

The point was moot when I later saw the show performed at the aptly named Landless theater company in DC, where the performance area is actually smaller than my living room. Every seat placed you squarely in the splash zone for the fake blood (they kindly sold big hefty bags in the “lobby” to protect your clothes, but my white Chuck Taylors still have pink stains on them). Upon close examination, because there could be no other kind, the blood appeared to be primarily composed of red Kool-aid.

Anyway, here’s some info on Evil Dead: The Musical and the new flick.
http://www.evildeadthemusical.com/

http://entertainment.slashdot.org/story/11/07/13/2022237/Bruce-Campbell-Confirms-New-Evil-Dead-Movie

But that’s not even what I wanted to talk about today. A friend of mine recently dated this guy who as it turned out has given a lot of thought toward his plan for what he would do if the zombie apocalypse came.

His plan includes steps such as:

• Purchase a Vespa or scooter, which will be easier to get around on and require less gasoline than a car

• Know the locations of all the nearest big box and/or sporting goods stores, where one can go and stock up on supplies and weapons in the event of an emergency. This is a key element of his plan, why bother stocking up on things when you can just go and help yourself, plus you could probably live comfortably inside an REI for quite a while.

• Have your girlfriend get lasix surgery so that she would not require eyeglasses or contacts, which could only slow you down. Supplies could be hard to come by, and what if you broke or lost your glasses?

I was impressed, if slightly worried, about how much thought he was putting into his planning. Naturally it got me thinking about what my own plan would be, because I am a gal that loves a plan. I forced my spouse (who does not share my love of planning) to sit down and think about this with me. He hates it when I make him do stuff like this, but he’ll thank me when the zombies are a-comin’.

So here are the basic components of our plan – so far -

Decide on a meeting place - In our case, Frederick, Maryland. [This is the part my husband gave the most thought.] We looked at the scenario of a disaster occurring while we were at work and studied a map – he works in Virginia, I work in Maryland. In looking at the atlas, he determined it would be wise to meet somewhere a little out of the way of large city centers and would not require too much time on the Beltway/major highways to get to. Where exactly in Frederick remains to be determined. But I hope the good people of Frederick will welcome us with open arms.

You never know when a nuclear apocalypse and a zombie attack might go hand in hand, so knowing the location of the nearest fallout shelter can’t hurt. I know our bank downtown has a fallout shelter sign on the side of the building – are those signs valid forever? If a building was designated a fallout shelter 50 or 60 years ago, is it always a viable fallout shelter? I have a feeling that whatever government bureaucrat was tasked with monitoring the status of the nation’s shelters probably died years ago …

Access to information – I’ll grab my car phone charger on the way out the door, but assuming that cell coverage will be affected by the marauding un-dead, we should have an alternate means of getting information. Now I know what those hand-crank radios are for – thanks, Sharper Image catalog. Too bad you went out of business, people will be sorry. Tho that is only a one-way information source, I’m hoping it doesn’t come to this but perhaps CB radio is the way to go. I’ll have to come up with a good name for the airwaves (a “handle” in CB-speak, or so I’m told).
Make sure you’ve got gasoline – We talked about the dangers of storing quantities of gas in our garage. Well, I talked about it. In a pinch, apparently I can steal some gas from the lawnmower, and I’m considering practicing siphoning techniques just in case.

Assess your H2O supplies – This admittedly is a weak part of the plan. Right now I guess we’re relying on the several gallons of distilled water that are somewhere in the basement and were purchased for a clothing steamer that has never been used. Snacks are also a weak part of the plan – frankly any stores I lay in will just get eaten the next time we’re bored or hungry, so we’ll probably have to rely on hitting a 7-11 on our way out of Dodge.

Gotta have an appropriate vehicle – I don’t think I’m comfortable with going the scooter route. Especially with the distilled water, clothes steamer, cat, etc. that we’ll have to tote with us. Recently we purchased an SUV and I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a certain relief in having a vehicle that might actually be able to mow down a zombie or two. There are probably some accessories I can buy like bull bars that would be useful for this.

Supplies – Clearly, a trip to a local military surplus store is in order, preferably one owned by an old eccentric guy who has basically been planning for a zombie attack his entire life without even knowing it.

Am also thinking about taking up krav maga or similar bad-ass self defense/martial arts training.

I love that the Centers for Disease Control has addressed this issue (zombie invasion) on their blog, cleverly disguising emergency preparedness tips with zombie talk. Check it out, you won’t be disappointed, it is well-written and useful information in the event of a zombie attack, or other type of emergency or natural disaster.

http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2011/05/preparedness-101-zombie-apocalypse/

As always, it’s entertaining to read the comments, such as:

I might suggest adding a baseball bat, preferably aluminum, to your emergency kit as well. It doesn’t require ammunition and can be highly effective at clearing a path through hordes of zombies whilst trying to make good your escape.

Or

It really depends on the zombies. If they’re Romero/Brooks, slow, lumbering zombies, a baseball bat will work just fine. Not so if they’re the Zack Snyder fast zombies. Running zombies change everything.

And this gem from a woman who calls herself “ReadyMom” – are these people fun at parties, or what?

Yes. We are a prepping household. We also send our college students to school prepared with a ‘Two-week Emergency Food Box’, A Flu Kit/Medical Kit and a 72 hour Kit is in each vehicle.

For High School graduation, we are now giving a Medical Kit and a Tool bag as gifts.

Helpful stuff, right? If I’ve learned anything from zombie movies, it’s that sure there are heroes, but in the end we can only survive when we band together. Plus it doesn’t hurt to have a good boom stick.

So share your wisdom with your fellow man and tell me what you would add to the zombie apocalypse survival plan. And remember, always double-tap.

A related PS – If you haven’t already seen it, rush to your local video store (which doesn’t exist anymore, but you know what I mean) and rent Shaun of the Dead. Do not wait.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365748/