Ep 7 – Rebecca confides in Elena; someone close to the family is murdered.

Episode opens with Christopher racing a pretty horse out to the thinkin’ tree where the Ewings carve the names of their beloveds. He caresses the carving of “Chris + Elena.”

John Ross is on the phone yelling at some lawyer to ‘un-do’ the trust that blocks him from the mineral rights on Southfork. Christopher strolls in and gives him back the DVD of John Ross having sex with FMarta, tho unclear why he wouldn’t hold on to it as collateral. I guess he’s that thick. … John Ross says “don’t you have some cows to go birth?” good question.

Christopher says something about the Ewing name (BIRTHRIGHT!!) and says “just because I’m fighting fair, doesn’t mean I won’t fight … for Southfork AND FOR ELENA. “

Cue John Ross’s nostrils flaring … and the awesome theme song which gets stuck in your head for days at a time. Well at least it does in mine.

Rebecca shows up at Elena’s door with a gift basket to thank her for ‘being cool’ about taking her to the doctor. She promptly yaks in Elena’s bathroom, and Elena immediately knows Rebecca is preggos.  She says “I’m sorry I threw up in your bathroom” and leaves. It’s this kind of writing that keeps us hooked!!

Incidentally, has anyone had Elena checked out for anorexia? She’s not going to eat any of the food in that basket, guarantee.

Incidentally, can just anyone in the world just drive onto SF and hang out whenever they please? You’d think there would be a guardhouse, and that they’d have instructions to not let Rebecca on the property. You’d also think that Christopher would have changed the locks on his loft so that Rebecca couldn’t be hanging around in it with her “brother” going through important family documents … that boy just is really thick I think. He may just be dumb enough to fall for Rebecca’s ploys to try and get him back.

I’m not convinced that she really does love Christopher – well, maybe she hearts him a little but I don’t think her motives are pure – and I’m not convinced that baby is his. Unfortunately, he’s probably too thick to demand a paternity test. (Maury tie-in? Note to producers.)

Cut to Ann sitting in a park somewhere fingering the locket her ex husband gave her and watching kids in a playground. Bobby calls her – why is he listed as “Bobby Ewing” in her phone – do you have your husband’s first and last name as his contact in your phone? Mine says Sweet B, not my hub’s real name. Suspicious.

Further suspicious, she lies to Bobby and says she’s at Nieman’s (taking the name in vain) and that she won’t be home in time to take a ride with him. What skeletons from her past are dancing in her closet? 

Unfortunately now that I’ve made the connection that she is the braless “if it don’t fit, you must acquit” character from Seinfeld, I can’t stop picturing her that way. I miss you, Jackie Chiles! But I digress …

John Ross tells a story about bourbon to Charlene Tilton over salad. She makes a reference to Sue Ellen’s alcoholism. He asks ‘his favorite cousin’ Lucy to ask Uncle Gary to help him with the mineral rights issue. JR and Gary need to sign off for him to be able to drill. She seems surprised that John Ross is a d-bag.

Offers her a ‘significant stake’ (or steak, perhaps) in Ewing oil for her participation. Wouldn’t she already have a stake? So many questions.

Elena is working on her pickup truck – she’s so self sufficient. Christopher shows up and tries and helps her with the engine.

“any sparks” he asks? Har har. 

He tries to apologize to Elena for what he said, she says he has to respect her relationship with John Ross. She acknowledges they were getting too close.  He says he cares about her, and he should have fought harder when he thought she ditched him on their wedding day. She urges him to call Rebecca.

Then she blurts out that Rebecca is pregnant. “She should have been the one to tell you,” says Elena. AH, YOU THINK?

Christopher storms off. So much storming in this show, love it.

Bobby is somewhere on the ranch playing with cattle (he’s so hands on) and police come to find him. They arrest him for the assault on Harris Ryland – oooh didn’t see that coming! Instead of fighting back, Ryland hits him legally. Well played. And he did it in front of witnesses, even.

Bobby is in jail, talking with his lawyer. Well-connected Ryland is offering a deal – Bobby apologizes and he will drop the charges. Don’t trust him! Bobby thinks Ryland wants to get his hooks back into Ann.

Bobby switches conversation to ‘where is JR?’

Lawyer says he’s got some dirt on JR”s PI, Bum. So his name is Bum, not Bump. Good to know.

Christopher goes to the loft. Accuses Rebecca of lying about the pregnancy.

She gives him attitude … ooh low blow she throws the abandonment card at him – says she thought he’d be more understanding, seeing how his birth parents treated him.

Interesting tactic?

Christopher tells Bobby and Ann that he’s going to have Rebecca do a paternity test. So he does have an ounce of sense! Bobby expresses surprise that Christopher might think Rebecca is lying (huh?) and Ann yells at Christopher saying Rebecca is trying to do right by him and he’s just being spiteful and cruel. (double huh? Must be a reference to her own past)

Ever since she got Ryland’s flowers, she’s been ‘edgy.’ I don’t think she told Bobby about the locket.

In return, Bobby hadn’t told her that he went to see Ryland and ‘slapped him around,’ and now Ryland is demanding an apology or will press charges.

John Ross and Elena are out to dinner. Twisted Root Burgers – I’ve been there!! Damn good burgers. John Ross is right about something.  Apparently was the site of their first date. He says she’s the one thing grounding him right now and he doesn’t know what he’d do without her.

And they are drinking Shiner Bock – very Texan.

Says they should go on a trip when all the drilling nonsense is past them. Just then he sees FMarta walk by …

Things get worse as the Venezolanos call him and demand a meeting in one hour.

“Word travels like oil in a pipeline,” says Vicente. “and the word is, there is no oil in your pipeline.” Reminds John Ross that he owns the lien on SF. John Ross offers information in exchange for more time; he throws FMarta under the bus and tells Vicente that she’s been skimming from him. Asks that FMarta be run out of town.

John Ross gets one more week …

And if they don’t get what they are promised, they will take SF. BIRTHRIGHT!!

John Ross catches Lucy coming out of Bobby’s office. She and Gary are on Bobby’s side. John Ross says he’s in trouble with the Venezuelans. Bobby is shall we say unsympathetic to his plight.

You almost feel sorry for John Ross.

Next scene, he goes crying to Momma. She suggests he use some of Elena’s oil to pay off the Venezuelans. Not a bad idea. John Ross says he doesn’t want to

JR calls Bum to see what’s going on. JR doesn’t seem worried about the mineral rights trusts holding up in court. Bum gives him the update on Cliff’s right hand man who turns out to be a child from Islamabad that he plucked from the streets and gave a home, job, education. In other words, a foundling!! Very Little Orphan Annie.

JR alludes to maybe making Islamabad some kind of offer.

Christopher and Rebecca are at the doctor’s office getting a paternity test. Touching scene. She apologizes for what she said about his birth parents. Wah wah.

Sue Ellen takes Elena to lunch, tries to convince her to give John Ross oil. Sue Ellen is very convincing. Plus, she is the sole investor in Elena’s company, and she not so subtly reminds her.

Two tables over, FMarta is watching Elena at the restaurant.

John Ross gets a call from Elena, but it’s really FMarta on the other end of the line!! She intimates that she has Elena (I don’t think she does, just her phone) and that he should come to some hotel.

John Ross goes storming over there. Walks into a dark hotel room (bad move). Finds a freaky mad looking FMarta hiding in the hotel room. She is (rightfully so) freaking out over the fact that Vicente knows she stole from him. She says if he cares about Elena’s safety, he will help save her from the Venezuelans.

Christopher goes to Elena’s door. Of course, she is there, not with FMarta. Elena apologizes for spilling the beans about the pregnancy. Christopher declares he still wants to be with her. She resists because he’s going to be a father. She says they have to make it work with their respective others.

“I guess timing is everything,” says Christopher. Ain’t that the truth.

Of course it couldn’t be that easy. Sure, we thought Rebecca was going to be out of the picture, clearing the way for Christopher and Elena to get back together … but NOOOO whammo stupid pregnancy gets in the way.

Bobby goes to Ryland and apologizes, Ryland drops charges. Bobby tells him to stay away from Anne. Ryland tires to give him a folder and says Anne is hiding something from him.

Vicente froze FMarta’s bank accounts. John Ross offers her money, she wants his help. For some reason FMarta had a camera set up, unclear what she was intending to film. He snatches Elena’s phone back from her, she scratches him, he leaves.

Cue 2 Venezuelan goons going toward FMarta’s room. Clearly they will kill her, and police will find John Ross’s DNA under her fingernails. Dun dun dun!

Ann is pleading with Christopher to take Rebecca back, saying she lied about something in her past but didn’t lie about her love .. uh talking about herself much? Clearly she’s hiding something, and it has something to do with a child. Bobby has the folder that Ryland gave him, but it’s not clear if he’s looked at it or not. Phone rings, doctor calling Christopher about the paternity results .. but of course they won’t give him the results over the phone.

Cut back to John Ross leaving the hotel, and running smack dab into FMarta’s very real dead body lying on the hood of a car … horror!! My guess is he will run rather than wait for the cops. He may think FMarta committed suicide, she did have a well documented history of mental instability, but the whole DNA under the fingernails is going to prove quite a bother …

Oh, yeah, he’s pulling a runner. Bad move. Especially when they were witnesses who saw him on FMarta’s floor .. and particularly when the hotel security footage will very easily pick him up fleeing in his black Corvette.

So Christopher goes to the doctor, with his mom and dad, which is a little weird, and finds out the baby is his. Er, make that, babies. They can tell at 9 weeks that someone is having twins? Double kick to the nuts, Christopher.

Cue creepy/supposed to be sweet scene of an ultrasound with Rebecca, Christopher … and his parents. Ann runs off crying. Awkward.

Cut to Ann fingering the locket again in front of a fireplace. Bobby tells her that Ryland gave him a folder about her past, but he doesn’t need to look in it. Says he’s there for her, and throws the folder in the fireplace. Sheeet, I would have read it lickety split. Cut to images of photos burning, of Ann holding a baby. Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of this.

John Ross meets up with Elena. She tells him she’ll help with the oil, says “we’re in this together, I’ve made my choice.” JUST at that second, police pull up looking for John Ross, saying he was seen fleeing the scene of a crime, namely that of the murder of FMarta. They take him in for questioning. Oddly enough he doesn’t protest his innocence and he and Elena just give each other a meaningful stare. Guess it’s good FMarta was taping the action in the hotel room, huh?

How do they pack so much into one hour? Less even when you factor in commercials. Damn.  

Dallas Episode 6 - Believe in the Warrior

How short is John Ross anyway? I have a feeling he’s like 5 feet tall.

Episode opens with him overseeing “his” land and thinking about how life is complicated. Has a nice fake stain on his sweatshirt.  Elena reiterates that he has nothing to worry about since he wasn’t part of the land fraud. Lies again!

Elena says to him, “I don’t believe in the war, but I believe in the warrior.” Oh how pissed she is going to be.

Bobby tells John Ross not to get too comfortable at Southfork. John Ross threatens to kick him out of the house. Bobby says he is “all hat and no cattle” – that he doesn’t care about the land.

John Ross’s crew man comes and tells him the Ryland tankers ain’t coming. John Ross immediately makes the connection between Bobby’s wife and Ryland.

Rebecca is still going through boxes. Her “brother” is getting antsy. They haven’t found anything in the boxes of value, or so Rebecca says. Weird sexual tension between them, doubt they are actually siblings. And if they are, ewwwwww.

She slips a folder into her briefcase and makes an excuse to leave.

As it turns out, Bobby didn’t know that Anne went to her ex-husband for help with the tankers. He is upset because they didn’t talk about it first. How about if he talked to her first about selling the ranch? How about if he told her immediately that he had cancer? Hypocrite. 

Turns out, Bobby had already arranged for a “sick out” on the part of the tanker drivers – sneakier than I would have given him credit for. He is afraid that Anne’s ex will want something in return for the favor.

John Ross is working the phones trying to find tanker trucks. JR’s investors are expecting the first shipment by Friday. I like how he refers to his own dad as “JR.”

Christopher walks right in to John Ross’s room – my friend A is right, there are no locks on SF and no one knocks! Christopher (10 mins into the episode I had already forgotten about him, yawnfest) confronts John Ross and wants to know where the evidence is against JR that he is demanding, in exchange for not exposing the sex tape. John Ross says he’s got nothing, and that JR screwed everyone over.

I like how they call each other “cousin” in a sneering way. John Ross accuses Christopher of not being angry about the land, but about Elena.

John Ross says exposing the DVD won’t help Christopher get SF back, Christopher doesn’t seem to care, it would be some kind of justice.  John Ross says screw it, go ahead and show people the DVD, he’s already got his cover lie worked up for Elena, and once he can get the oil off the ranch via nonexistent trailers, he won’t care what Christopher does. Christopher babbles something about being a real Ewing – sensitive much?

Rebecca shows up at SF – ballsy. Claims she has info that can help Christopher and Bobby save SF. What’s her end game? Does she really love Christopher?

So Rebecca has a copy of some document that alludes to a trust that separates the mineral rights (oil) from the land rights – in short, the sale of SF to the FDel Sol Conservancy and henceforth to JR would not have conveyed the oil rights. Of course they have to find the original document in order to make it stick. How many cows do you want to be that it was in the boxes of papers that room in the stables that JR was going through?

“If my read of Texas property law is correct …” wait, Rebecca is actually a lawyer?  Christopher still doesn’t trust her. She has her “pained, innocent” expression down pat. They throw her out anyway, but keep the paper. Christopher totally checks out her ass on her way out the door.

As Rebecca is leaving, she gets a nosebleed and is dizzy. I like the yellow and white awnings they have at SF.

Bobby and Christopher start going through some garage/storage area on the ranch going through Jock’s old stuff, looking for a key to a supposed safety deposit box that they presume might exist somewhere with a copy of the imaginary trust in it. Well, what else are they going to do with their time, I guess.

But I would think that Bobby and Anne would have found time to go through his father’s old things rather than just have them sitting in some storage shed. That’s their birthright in there! Ok so it’s a set of chairs, but still, those are Ewing chairs!!

Christopher takes the opportunity to tell Bobby the dirt he’s got on John Ross, the tape of him having “SEX” with FMarta. The way Christopher says the word SSEX makes me believe that he is a prude, in addition to a bad dresser.

Bobby doesn’t see the value of the DVD, since it implicates John Ross, but not JR, and JR’s name is the one on the deed.

Where did JR go in that helicopter anyway? The theory has been floated that he went to Switzerland for pioneering eyebrow surgery. Tho I don’t think you can really get to Switzerland from Dallas in a helicopter.

Bobby advises against blackmail – it’s not just wrong, it’s bad business.

Speak of the devil, there’s JR. he looks like he’s in Vegas, with 3 masseuses pampering him. Bum(p) calls him, lets him know that the tankers have been pulled and Christopher is blackmailing John Ross. JR says he threw him in the brier patch to learn and that he’ll be fine.

Ah, an end game – JR wants in on Cliff’s high-stakes poker game, hence the trip to Vegas. JR thinks Barnes’s end game is to bring casinos to Texas … which would explain his support of Sue Ellen in a run for governor. Whatever Cliff Barnes is up to, JR is intent on crushing him.

Somehow getting into the game will help JR in this endeavor.

Back to Bobby and Christopher in the dusty storage shed/garage. A basket, not unlike one you might use to set a foundling adrift in a river, is perched atop something covered with a sheet … Jock’s desk of course. Didn’t look staged at all.

Cool old roll-tip desk, the kind that is bound to have a hidden drawer/compartment. Oh no need, they find a key in an old bronzed baby shoe. Key says “Texas National Bank,” which by now should be a Bank of America.

Elena took Rebecca to the hospital, that was nice of her, especially since Rebecca is the one who broke her and Christopher up, or at least Rebecca’s brother did – but Elena doesn’t seem mad at her. Maybe Elena is just really dumb?

Rebecca says, well now you and Christopher can be happy together, and Elena says that ain’t gonna happen with scorn in her voice, no doubt remember the harsh words he said to her … good way for Rebecca to fish for intel, now she knows Elena isn’t looking to get back with Christopher, so that paves the way for her to work or worm her way back into his heart.

No word on her mysterious nosebleed and dizziness.

One of the Venezuelan gangsters, Vincente, shows up at SF and just strolls into John Ross’s room. No one knocks. He is vaguely threatening.  V knows about the tanker delays. John Ross says he needs a few more days.

V says there is a price to be paid when the sons don’t make good on the promises of the father.

How much plastic surgery do we think Sue Ellen has had? Full face lift? Resurfacing, Botox, fillers …

John Ross goes to SE for help with the tanker issue. Wants her to convince Ryland to get the trucks moving again, tells her to offer him a political favor. She hesitates, he pulls the bad mother card. He tells her they’re in debt to the Venezuelans, paying them with 14% of the oil proceeds, and that they can lose the ranch to them. He might want to be more concerned about losing his cojones to them, literally.

But that’s what happens when you dance with the devil, AKA JR.

Oh whiny John Ross because your mother won’t stoop to your level, you throw it in her face that she has never been there for you. Throwing a tantrum, John Ross goes back to his apartment and smashes a model of an oil well that has something to do with his childhood. THE BIRTHRIGHT!!

FMarta shows up, dressed in a sexy Leger style bandage dress. She’s come because now she and John Ross can be together, since he was only banging Elena for business … he tells her she’s crazy (duh) and that he wants nothing to do with her, probably because she screwed him over in their business deal, sold him out to his dad, drugged him and taped them having sex, the DVD of which is now in the hands of his cousin who can use it to prove he and FMarta knew each other all along … all in a day’s work for a stalker. She says she has money they can use to run away together, money she skimmed from Vincente (yeah that won’t come back to haunt her). John Ross says he wouldn’t go across the street with her, let along run away, and she should leave before he does something they would both regret. She looks shocked. Cue Psycho stabbing noises!

Creepy undertaker shows Bobby and Christpher to the safety deposit box.  Christopher and Bobby find a pistol, some family birth certificates and papers … and of course the mineral rights trust. Gosh that was easy.

The door to Elena’s apartment is open. Clearly FMarta got in. I hope Elena doesn’t have a bunny.

John Ross finds the surveillance photo of him and Elena embracing with a knife stuck in it. He storms out to go confront FMarta. Leaves 2 hired goons with shotguns to protect Elena’s apt.

He goes storming into FMarta’s apartment/hotel room. I guess he had a key. And no one locks doors. Or knocks. FMarta has cleared out.

Awesome, JR is in one of those high-roller Vegas suites that comes with its own butler. Sweet.

7-11 shows up at JR’s suite (bald guy who claims to be Cliff’s ‘driver’ who reminds me of the “never had it, never will” bald guy from the old 7-11 commercials.) JR says he wants in on the poker game; Baldy says the buy-in is $1 million.

JR calls Bum(p) and says to dig up dirt on Baldy, and to tell Carlos Del Sol that he needs $1m. that’s the real Carlos Del Sol, but why would he give JR money? Maybe JR has another deal going with him on the side.

Bum(p) lies to John Ross and says he hasn’t spoken to JR and doesn’t know how to reach him. John Ross tells him of the FMarta trouble. Says her real name is Veronica Martinez, he thinks. Bum(p) says he’ll go pay her a visit. John Ross says, you’ll have to find her first.

“that ain’t no step for a stepper” is Bum(p)’s reply.

Anne receives flowers, assumes they are from Bobby for the spat they had. Of course they are from her ex husband. He remembered she likes freesias. He also sent her a locket/pendant which makes Anne start sobbing uncontrollably. She runs off. What the hell is so significant about the locket?

Bobby goes storming in to the ex’s office (no knocking) and slaps him, in the middle of a business meeting. Ex does nothing.

Rebecca goes back to SF to pick up her car, runs into Christopher. He tells her they found the original deed – why bother telling her? He zooms of (sort of) in his Tesla.

Sue Ellen goes to see the Ryland guy. She says if he releases his tanker she’ll give him some position as railroad commissioner if she gets elected. He says he can’t accept but will release the tankers anyway, and writes her a check for a big campaign donation. What’s his end game?

Trucks start rolling back in to SF. Now John Ross is happy again with his momma because he got his way. Smarmy bastard. Way to go SE rolling over and compromising yourself so quickly for your jerky son. And you’re not even in office yet!

No dialogue, shot of Anne putting the locket on with a weird look on her face. Could she be obsessed with her ex? He alluded to the fact that she went a little off the deep end over their divorce.

Cut to shot of John Ross gluing his precious little oil well model back together. Surely there is a ranchhand or PI that does that sort of thing for him? Christopher and Bobby smugly come into his room (no knocking) and show him the mineral rights deed. Christopher basically says “my daddy is better than your daddy” and we own the rights to the oil. Christopher says “you’re beat, COUSIN, fair and square.”

Tommy finally realizes that Rebecca found the document and gave it to Christopher. Rebecca says they are done and gives him her expensive wedding and engagement rings, tells him to sell them and get out of town, he won’t make any money of the Ewings, she is in love with Christopher and (I bet you she’s pregnant) and yes she reveals that SHE’S PREGNANT.

In addition to not knocking, I guess no one uses birth control either.

Once again, the cable guide description of the episode is disappointingly free of

hyperbole.

John Ross takes on more responsibility; Rebecca learns valuable information.

Dallas, episode 5 – newlyweds fail to maintain their happy attitude

 Last time we saw the Ewings, JR had Lawyer Lobell and FMarta in his back pocket. John Ross had leverage on Rebecca and she was about to spill the beans – some beans at least – to Christopher …  

Rebecca confesses right off the bat at the start of the episode to Christopher that Tommy engineered the whole infamous email to Elena and their getting together. Claims that she didn’t know Tommy sent the email until John Ross started blackmailing her. Christopher storms off.

Does Rebecca really love Christopher now? Is she a grifter with a conscience? Is Tommy really pulling all the strings?

Can’t Elena help her mother get some more stylish clothes? 

Christopher goes running in to the Southfork going away BBQ and lands a great running punch on Tommy. In front of the entire assembly of guests it is revealed that Rebecca’s relationship with Christopher has been a sham and that she and Tommy are conning the Ewings for their moolah. Christopher has Tommy thrown off the ranch. (how about calling the cops?)

Christopher throws Rebecca out (with her nice hard-sided luggage) and goes roaring off, well sort of, in his Tesla.

Elena apologizes to John Ross for not believing that he didn’t send the infamous email. She’s ticked that Christopher wanted to pay her off and saying she had not integrity (in the last episode), so in her words, “Christopher and I are done.” She and John Ross embrace.

Next morning (so how did the BBQ go, kids?) Anne and Bobby are nonchalantly having coffee – Anne seems to feel sorry for Rebecca … Bobby has no sympathy and says he wants to see if there is anything they can do legally about Tommy and Rebecca.

A courier drops off the deed to Southfork and Bobby sees that it’s in JR’s name – he goes storming in to JR’s room.  JR claims that Marta (FMarta) was going to sell the ranch to Cliff Barnes and so in order to avoid that he got a group of investors together and bought it. I thought they had to wait 30 days to get it back from the Venezuelans? I’m confused.

“Ewing oil is back in business!” declares J.R.

“I’m going to take you down, brother.” Says Bobby.

Ann finally realizes JR is a dickhead. Way to go Ann!

Christopher and Bobby go storming off in Bobby’s Mercedes (I really feel like Bobby would drive American) to Lobell’s office only to find out he’s cleared out.

JR of course intends to drill, baby, drill on Southfork. Something about his daddy’s legacy, and Bobby trying to honor his momma’s legacy.

So far 2 actors from the show 24 have appeared in Dallas, wonder if there’s a connection. Another guy was on the X Files.

Christopher/Bobby go see some other muckety muck or lawyer. Is revealed the Del Sol involvement was a lie, and that Marta is FMarta. They suspect FMarta and Lobell have fled the country. Though it was all a fraud, the sale was legal, and therefore the subsequent sale to JR was also valid….

UNLESS they can prove that JR knew about the conspiracy with the first sale …

Rebecca tries to call Christopher, he ignores the call. Duh.

Christopher I guess was too busy to change the locks because Rebecca and Tommy are still in his loft, with boxes of information on Christopher’s patent and business files, which they hope to ‘monetize.’

Elena goes over to yell at John Ross. He of course is shocked as well that the deed is in JR’s name, since he’s been double-crossed as well. Tries to reach his dad.  Elena doesn’t believe he wasn’t involved – which he sort of wasn’t – but yet, he was.

Christopher wants to ‘fight fire with fire.’ Boy Scout Bobby wants to take the high road. He reminds Christopher that he’s fought JR in the past, and won.

John Ross goes to FMarta’s apartment or I guess her hotel room. Why hasn’t she fled the country? Oh wait, she’s crazy. He yells at her for betraying him – she retaliates with a photo of him embracing Elena.  FMarta says “I warned you not to toy with me.” He tells her to stay the hell away from him.

If John Ross tries to screw JR now, the whole deal can fall through and he could lose any chance of getting a claim on SF. Although out of spite he could side with Bobby and try to screw his Dad, although then he’d have to admit his complicity … it’s complicated.

And what about the Venezuelans? I feel like they’re not totally out of the picture. And FMarta hasn’t revealed the John Ross sex tape yet or gone totally psycho on him.

And cue after the commercial, FMarta watching the sex tape! And just sitting there looking like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction when she’s sitting in her cool loft just turning a lamp on and off again and staring into space.

You know, I’m still not sure Michael Douglas really got what was coming to him in that movie? He didn’t lose his job, he didn’t lose his wife or his child … sure he had to move out of the city but it looks like they got a charming little house in the country. And in the end the stalker was out of the way. Everyone around him suffered but he seemed like kind of a narcissist so I’d argue that he didn’t really suffer much. We can only hope he learned his lesson. If I were his wife I would have taken him to the cleaners.

Back to FMarta. I almost feel sorry for John Ross having tangoed with her, she seems like a Class A crazy beeyotch. He’s probably used to loving women and leaving them, but has never faced someone like her.

Nice cameo by the owner of the Dallas Cowboys and scenes shot in a luxury skybox at the stadium, where John Ross finds JR. JR tells John Ross that this was all part of a plan, and that the deed can still be his. JR says he’s going to leave Dallas for a while (where the hell could he be going?) and that in the meantime, he’s giving John Ross power of attorney over his affairs. And JR’s PI “Bum” is going to stick around to help him, or more likely, keep an eye on him. JR says this way he can see if John Ross will sink or swim, and this will really teach him about the oil business.

OK that could be true, but what is JR really up to?  When he says he’s leaving the area, could he be going to Venezuela? At any rate, he takes off in a helicopter from the helipad at Cowboys Stadium, which is kind of badass.

Rebecca calls Ann – bold move. Asks to meet to plead her case. Ann seems like a pushover so she’ll probably go. Maybe Tommy will kidnap her and hold her for ransom.

Cut to a scene of FMarta getting into one elevator, while Christopher gets off the other. They don’t see each other. Christopher is manipulating the doorman to let him into John Ross’s apartment. What was FMarta doing in there?

Christopher goes inside and starts snooping around. He finds what FMarta came there for, she left a DVD of the sex tape with a note to John Ross apologizing for cutting him out of the deal and telling him she wants him back. Of course if she’s a stalker worth her salt, she’ll have kept a copy of the sex tape …

Christopher pops the tape into John Ross’s DVD player and starts watching.

Now JR had said that Bobby and co could stay on SF as long as they like, and Bobby being the flipflopper that he is, starts unpacking the boxes and declares he will stay.

Now that he’s in charge, John Ross of course declares that he will move into SF. Does everyone in Texas live on that damn ranch?

So squishy Ann decides to meet with Rebecca. Rebecca intimates that she is scared of her brother – how about calling the cops?

John Ross goes to see Elena, he is contrite. She’s not ready to take him back yet.

Christopher gets drunk and goes to see Elena. She lets him sleep it off and then kicks him out – she says that as many issues as John Ross has, he has never made her feel bad about herself like the things Christopher said about her. Christopher considers giving her the copy of the sex tape and doesn’t.

Of all the people to get something done, Ann calls in a favor to her ex-husband, who owns the company that is contracted to transport the oil that JR/John Ross are drilling on SF. He tells her he’ll cancel the contract, for no good reason other than that he doesn’t like JR, and he wants “a hug” from Ann. His company is apparently the only one who can transport the oil, so the result will essentially be that the drilling will have to stop.

Elena exhibits a common sense rare for a show like Dallas, telling John Ross that she doesn’t want to be involved with the drilling on SF (even tho she helped find the oil in the first place) because that would mean getting into the middle of the war between JR and Bobby.

John Ross keeps going on and on about his “birthright.”

He also swears to Elena that he didn’t have anything to do with the theft of SF (lie!), and they have sex. I guess she’s ready to take him back.

Rebecca finds an interesting piece of paper in the boxes of Christopher’s work.

Christopher shows up at John Ross’s apartment and shows him the sex tape. Says it proves John Ross was part of the conspiracy, because he knew who FMarta really was (real name, Veronica). Christopher tells John Ross that if he doesn’t give him proof of JR’s involvement in the conspiracy, that he (John Ross) will go to jail.

John Ross furrows his brow and the episode ends.

What’s John Ross’s move? He can throw his father under the bus, which I wouldn’t put past him, or he could double down and make the old man proud … or my guess is he’ll land somewhere in between and try and figure out a way to get the old man out of the way without getting himself in trouble.

JR did say he wanted to teach him the oil business, which is apparently nothing but backstabbing and screwing your own family over.

PS - Here’s how Verizon Fios described this episode in the channel guide:

“Newlyweds fail to maintain their happy attitude; Ann gets a helping hand.”

?

Week 3 of Dallas - wheeeee

Spoiler alert - if you haven't watched the episode yet, stop reading. 

Episode opens with Christopher having sexy dream about Elena. As if we didn’t already know he still has feelings for her. They had to throw some sex into this episode, and that's about all we got. 

Attention to detail: John Ross has fake Marta del Sol (FMarta) listed in his phone as Marta del Sol. Good thinking. 

JR and John Ross are still working on getting dirt on Lawyer Lubell’s drunky son, to use as leverage.

I wish JR would get his teeth fixed.

JR squared plot to set up drunky son. JR proposes using FMarta, John Ross demurs.

JR refers to Elena as “that Mexican girl.” Nice.

Never one to not go right for the jugular, John Ross calls Rebecca and reveals that he knows she sent the email to Elena that broker her and Christopher up. Does JR know that John Ross has this intel?

JR’s PI digs up dirt on FMarta, turns out she’s bipolar and has a history of violent stalking. JR declares her ‘Crazier than an outhouse rat.’ They plot to somehow use FMarta and Elena against John Ross.

Miss Ellie’s silver collection is missing – cue Rebecca’s “brother” Tommy. Anne is planning a big BBQ at the ranch. Then she and Bobby are moving to … a condo? As if.

Christopher and Rebecca are now staying at Southfork (SF).

Elena comes in with some bids for a test of the methane something something that she needs to review with Christopher. They exchange longing glances … and cue Rebecca walking in awkwardly.

Referring to one of the contractors who is bidding on the tests, Christopher says, “In the oil business, cheap and fast gets you good and dead.”

Rebecca rushes off to the library to study for the Texas bar exam.

Anne is annoyed because Bobby won’t spend time going through “his family’s” things while they are moving.

JR shows up at Sue Ellen’s office to give her a ‘good luck charm’ for her pending campaign for governor, Miss Ellie’s pearls that he ‘found’ while cleaning up SF. Suddenly Cliff Barnes (Yay Ken Kercheval) bursts in and JR gets annoyed, says Cliff “must have been out of his tiny mind” if he thought they would sell SF to him. Sue Ellen says she contacted Cliff to get political advice. (this refers back to the original Dallas when Cliff ran for some office backed by a fake campaign that JR used to set him up, or something like that)

“You lost the right to have a say in with whom I lunch, a long time ago.” Sue Ellen to JR.

Rebecca wasn’t going to the law library after all!! She was meeting John Ross. She feebly protests that she wasn’t the one who sent the email. Although it could have been her brother. Either way, she accepts John Ross’s bargain – if she helps him with his underhanded plot to frame Lawyer Lubell’s drunky son, then he’ll let her get away with her plot to scam Christopher, whom John Ross refers to as “my dimwitted cousin.” (Dimwitted but hot) She is supposed to get photos of Drunky Son doing drugs. John Ross says “You strike me as a resourceful girl, Rebecca,” you’ll figure it out. I agree.

With twists and turns like this, the first third of the episode flew by!

Elena meets John Ross at their fave local bar. She says she’s there to talk business and needs his help charming some old lady out of her oil rights because he’s “a lot better at people than she is.” Yikes.

She charms him by saying “you look a lot better as an oilman than a barfly.”  JR’s PI is at the bar watching the whole exchange.

Christopher and Bobby are mending fences – literally. How quaint. Wonder why one of their 900 ranch hands can’t do this. Ever prescient Bobby is tuning in to the fact that it might be awkward for Christopher having his ex-girlfriend and wife in such close proximity .. gee why didn’t Christopher think of that.

One of the above mentioned ranch hands pulls up in one of the 900 gleaming white pickup trucks with the SF logo emblazoned on the side to alert Bobby that a pregnant cow is in trouble! He’s such a humanitarian and renaissance man!

Cue crusty old lady Henderson to be charmed out of her oil. She says to John Ross: “oh, you’ve got your daddy’s charm, let’s hope you didn’t get his morals.” Too late.

Twice FMarta has called John Ross and he’s ducking her calls. Foreshadowing stalkery.

In a compete show of maturity, John Ross starts spraying Elena with a hose. Really. They engage in some light hugging, which is captured on film by the creepy PI who is working for JR. Elena stops before it goes any further.

Elena tells John Ross she needs to tell Sue Ellen how much it will cost to hire a crew to rape Old Lady Henderson’s land for oil. (in previous episode, SE agrees to back Elena financiall. Unclear if SE’s intentions good or not. Or Elena’s for that matter)

Elena asks if John Ross will go with her to see SE, his Momma. He says it may not be cordial. SE wants to be an ally to John Ross but he is resentful of her absence or alcoholism or whatever during his youth. Something about a boarding school, wah wah.

Love the Dallas beauty shots.

SE expresses concern that John Ross is in touch with JR, asks if he thinks his father has really changed. John Ross says he’s glad he’s finally teaching him about the oil business and stalks out. No one enters or leaves a room normally in this family.

SE looks wistfully at the pearls. She should rub them against her teeth to see if they’re real, that’s what I would do.  

Cut to Christopher and Bobby discussing women problems while working on a cow having a difficult labor. Really.

Christopher reveals that he and E were going to elope, and that he found out right before he was to marry Rebecca that they were duped by the fake email (femail). Christopher declares his love for Rebecca but admits he “can’t stop thinking about what could have been.” Was afraid Bobby wouldn’t be proud of him. Bobby says he has to make a choice, let go of Elena for good. “I don’t know if I can,” says Christopher.  C still believes John Ross sent the email.

Bobby wisely decides to take off his watch before sticking it in a cow’s bum.

Unclear how much time has actually elapsed between episodes but Rebecca already has wedding photos on display in her bedroom. I guess money buys you a very speedy photographer.

Rebecca poses as recovering addict to ensnare Drunky Son, who is leading an AA or NA meeting. She’s low.

I think JR’s PI is named Bum. Or Bump.

JR wants to use the photos of John Ross and Elena frolicking with the hose to enrage FMarta. Knowing full well that she has violent stalker tendencies! That man is a dickhead.

Sounds like stuff will go down at the big BBQ (shocking).

“You know I’m good at trouble,” says Bum(p). “Me too,” says JR.

Elana asks John Ross to go back in business with her. As for the personal part, she says “one step at a time.”

John Ross arrives at his loft to find FMarta waiting angrily for him. He of course lies to her about where he’s been. They of course kiss passionately.

Cut to Rebecca sitting in a car with Drunky Son – who gets into a car with a total stranger? 12 steps or not. She tries ham-handedly to get him to do drugs. He says he’s clean, and not interested. He seems like a nice guy, probably the only one on the show, so of course he will get screwed royally. He reveals his weakness, his wife/girlfriend. That will likely be used against him in future.

Rebecca backs down.

She finds Tommy in her room at SF installing the program in Christopher’s computer so they can steal his patent. He also says he’s digging around in the family info at SF to find info they can use to exploit the family. He says it’s all about money but I wonder if there isn’t some sort of revenge involved? They said their parents died when they were young, any chance they blame the Ewings? Are their parents even really dead? I saw part of this plot on an episode of Monk once, BTW.

FMarta makes Neiman Marcus open after hours so she can buy John Ross an expensive watch (because he was late for their date). Classic stalker move.

Nice Neiman Marcus placement. Nice Piaget placement.

Rebecca calls, says she couldn’t go through with Drunky Son set-up. She appears to have some shred of a conscience. But John Ross, undeterred, threatens her again and says by tomorrow afternoon she better have pix of DS doing drugs or he’s going to tell Christopher everything. Unclear what he knows besides the tracing of the IP address to her of the mysterious Christopher-Elena break-up email.

FMarta offers to get the pictures of DS doing drugs first thing in the morning. DS has two strikes and evidence of doing drugs will get him three strikes and in Texas jail for like forever.

Cut to sad scene of birthing cow dying.

Cut to JR chatting Elena up, encourages her to invite John Ross to the BBQ. Mention of John Ross being dyslexic. JR has invited SE over to the ranch. She says Cliff Barnes wants to fund her campaing. JR says “that man is as see-through as a mosquito net” and he just wants to be in her pocket. SE says “everybody wants something. What do you want?” He says, “a fresh start.”

She’s not wearing the pearls.  

Cut to scene of adorable baby cow being introduced to a new cow foster mom. Cue discussion about Christopher’s adoption (nice segue!!)

Did I mention that Elena also lives on the ranch? Every freakin’person lives there.

Christopher shows up with a check for $20k for Elena for her help with the methane testing. He is rude and says he wants there to be no question in future of ownership and he wants “no obligation to her.” Says she is ambitious and always trying to prove how she’s more than just the help’s daughter, and that it’s clear how quickly she will compromise her integrity for money. She missed a great opportunity to slap him!

Likely he is just being harsh to make it easier on them not being sweet on each other, but he said some very dirtbaggy things.

She sends John Ross a text and asks him to be her date to the BBQ. Couldn’t his father just have invited him?

If FMarta is worth her salt as a stalker she’s reading his texts.

John Ross tells JR that Marta is taking care of the Lubell issue and that he will confront Lubell first thing in the morning. He texts Rebecca to let her know he’s coming to the BBQ.

FMarta is taking her pills with alcohol, and is upset that John Ross broke their “date.” JR shows up at her door with the pictures of John Ross frolicking with Elena. She now knows that John Ross lied to her yesterday and was with Elena, and that he is on his way to SF to be with Elena.

FMarta gives JR the pix of Drunky Son, he looks dead in them. JR offers her a new deal with him.

Yay Charlene Tilton! She looks good.

It doesn’t look quite humid enough at this BBQ.

Jeezy Creezy even the damn dance floor at the BBQ has a big SF logo on it.

Rebecca tells Christopher she has to tell him something.

JR goes immediately to Lubell and threatens him with the pix. Demands 100% of the deed, cutting John Ross out of his half. Says “John Ross can wait his turn.”

Father of the year!!

Rebecca says that she has to tell Christopher something about the infamous email. Duhn duhn duhn!

Dayum, the episode is over already!!

PS - they found the silver.  

Week 2 of DALLASMANIA

I’ve been anticipating the return of Dallas to TV since last year. TNT has been wisely hyping it on social media since summer 2011.

The premiere did not disappoint. They also wisely showed two back-to-back episodes on June 13, and in addition to receiving record cable TV ratings which surely made the network and advertisers sit up and take notice, it got the attention of viewers -- it made your head spin to see the double, triple and dare I say quadruple crossing that went on. The backstabbing, the intrigue, and the gotcha moments … well I hope you DVRd it or can watch it online because I don’t have the emotional energy to recap it here.

I couldn’t wait for the second week, here is the blow by blow recap I recorded while watching the episode. Never has 60 minutes flown by so fast! It was giddying I tell you.

Nothing like starting an episode with JR holding a straight razor to the neck of his son, John Ross, and threatening him for daring to maneuver to cut him out of 2 billion barrels of oil.

The irony of course being that John Ross is really a chip off the old block, JR can’t help but be proud and respect his son’s douchebag wiliness.

JR asks him to ‘find it in your heart’ to give him a chance to be a father and teach him the old business – don’t trust him John Ross!

So far the only person who seems good is Elena, the daughter of  Bobby’s maid who was engaged to marry Christopher (Bobby’s “foundling” son – I mean, who uses the word ‘foundling’?) two years ago but is now bonking John Ross and is in business with him. But that goodness either can’t last or is a show. I guess Bobby’s wife (second wife to be exact), Anne, seems good also but you know you can never be sure.  She almost seems too good/unsuspecting, and is a little flirty with her son’s wife’s (supposed) brother who is of course now working on her ranch.

So Elena and Christopher apparently used to be hot and heavy but two years ago on the eve of their marriage, Elena receives an email from Christopher breaking things off. She flees to Mexico to find solace and John Ross follows her …

Christopher in the first week marries some new chick Rebecca who has got to be a bad seed, you just know it. She has some (supposed) brother, Tommy, that is hanging around and acting suspicious.

Of course Christopher didn’t send the email and I immediately had my theories on who could have sent Elena the infamous email that broke her and Christopher up two years ago:

JR

Bobby

Rebecca and/or her ‘brother’  (he alludes to having been working on their ‘plan’ for two years)

Sue Ellen

Anne

John Ross

The butler

Everyone

Wasn’t Elena just a little suspicious that Christopher would have broken off their engagement (they were due to marry the NEXT DAY) with an email? Not a text message? C’mon, Elena.

How many people believe that Rebecca’s brother Tommy is really her brother?

And why does Anne seem so chummy with him? Brother alludes to having killed people while shooting at the SF (Southfork) shooting range.

If you followed along in week one, there is a group of mysterious Hispanic financiers who are fronting the deal to buy Southfork (while pretending to be the Del Sol convervatory). These shady financiers should know better than to threaten JR! Always bet on JR people.

In one scene, Faux Marta Del Sol (FMarta) is taking some sort of prescription drug, which will surely be revealed later.  

FMarta also presumably has a videotape she made of her and John Ross having sex, they have some sort of sordid backstory.

Further spoiler alert – Bobby has the cancer. Stoically, he doesn’t want to tell his family but the wife finds his medicine.  Of course there is a surgery to help him.

Bobby’s surgery to remove his tumor was a success, yay! But the doctors were wrong about his prognosis and possibility for recurrence, boo!! But there’s a special drug he can take, yay! But there are serious side effects, boo!! Duhn duhn duhn

Bobby calls his lawyer (crooked) Lubell to put the sale of the ranch on hold .. duhn duhn duhn!! Sorry you have to watch week one to really know what’s going on.

Ok, next scene. Bobby gets a call from JR’s doctor, and doesn’t even bother to ask his name? he believes it right away? Of course it was faked to get JR back in the house – simple but effective ploy.

Bobby’s reaction - “It will be great having a rattlesnake in the house.”

Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval) is back! Another rival for the land.

Suddenly Bobby is just as impassioned about keeping the family land as he was about selling it . ?

Elena and Rebecca having lunch together, not awkward at all.

Bets on whether Rebecca is actually falling for Christopher or will she go on with the long con slash possible revenge?

So a mysterious and slightly threatening chrome dome (reminiscent of the 7-UP guy) shows up at your door (where you are conducting methane experiments) and says Cliff Barnes is inviting you to dinner and the car is waiting downstairs … well of course you go!!

I think “slightly sinister” is the direction given to the writers, scorers and directors of the show – if you just read the plot points on paper, they sound fantastically cheesy but somehow they manage to pull it off.

Nice placement for the Omni Hotel, where Cliff Barnes, “Uncle Cliff” rented out an entire floor.  Oooh, Uncle Cliff wants to invest in Christopher’s alternative energy company. Well that dinner didn’t last long. Christopher storms out.

Cliff is brother to Christopher’s real mother, Pam, who ‘disappeared’ but $10 says she comes back.  Two words: VICTORIA PRINCIPAL

Of course Anne rides around with a shotgun on her horse.  She hears something in one of the rooms in the barn, and comes around the corner, gun drawn, to find JR leafing through old family papers. Of course the fabulously wealthy Ewings keep their priceless family papers, photos and heirlooms in a spare room in the stable?

“Bullets don’t seem to have much of an effect on me, darling, “ is JR’s retort to Anne., who unbelievably isn’t suspicious of JR and just asks him to lock up when he leaves.

For as backstabby as this family is, people seem to be relentlessly not suspicious when something clearly smacks of suspicion. Or are they??

JR finds his mother’s (Miss Ellie) journal and gives it to John Ross to find dirt to use in their favor. “You are my son, tip to tail,” says JR to John Ross. “Nobody gives you power. Real power is something you take.”

Rebecca lies to her brother, saying she hasn’t had a chance to install the program that will give them control over Christopher’s computer. He wants dirt on the methane experiments.

Oooh, per the journal, Miss Ellie spent some time in a mental institution.

Eh, who cares, it’s not like mental illness is the stigma it once was.

Oh wait, I get it, it’s ammunition to overthrow Ellie’s will through allegations of incompetency.

JR slapping John Ross must have felt pretty good.

OK so Christopher is back to setting methane on fire. Which must smell AWESOME.

Question: Is Christopher’s lab/office/business in the same building as his apartment/loft?

Since Elena helped figure out the issue of how to harvest the methane, does that mean she and Christopher are now business partners?

Wow that was fast, Bobby capitulated and went back to the idea of selling Southfork.  Lawyer Lubell leaves with signed paperwork.

Christopher tells Bobby to stop protecting him, and that he can beat John Ross.

And cue Bobby revealing his cancer diagnosis. Christopher understandably gets upset and feels like Bobby is shutting him out, storms out. Christopher immediately reveals cancer diagnosis to Elena and dissolves into tears. They embrace, which segues IMMEDIATELY into a kiss. Which lasts about .10 seconds, just long enough for Rebecca’s ‘brother’ Tommy to snap a photo of it on his phone.

Tommy wastes no time sending pic to Rebecca, prompting her to load the program into Christopher’s computer (or did she)…

Fitting that John Ross drives a Corvette. And that Christopher drives a Tesla.

But regarding their wardrobe, must Christopher wear those unfashionable white sneakers? 

Ah, the Hispanics are Venezuelans. Makes sense, and leaves the door open for future political intrigue.

Now Lubell ups the ante, demanding $5 million from John Ross or he calls Bobby and spills the dirt. Last week it was $2 million, and the original offer was $500,000. But John Ross is getting dirt on Lubell via his drunky son who killed an old lady in a DUI.

Christopher immediately divulges cancer diagnosis to Rebecca, and says when he first heard he was upset and says Elena “helped me through it.” Doesn’t tell her about the kiss, but says now he knows what’s really important and that he loves her (Rebecca). They embrace.

Christopher has bright idea for him and Rebecca to stay at SF until the sale is complete. They’ll all be under the same roof!

Cut to shot of Rebecca throwing jump drive (with offending program) into the trash as they hug. Of course she could later fish it out of the trash; a nosy housekeeper could find it; Bobby could stumble upon it; or the ‘brother’ could just give her another jump drive, they are pretty cheap these days.

That’s the beauty of this show, it’s like a “choose your own adventure” book – there are so many directions you can go in because no one has any moral compass. North, South, East, West! I wonder how set in stone the story arcs are at the beginning of the season. They must have to film and edit the shows well in advance, but do they tweak the plotlines as they go along when they see what the audience is responding to? Need to look into this more.

Anyway, Anne then tells Bobby that JR knew about Miss Ellie’s journal and that he gave it to John Ross. Bobby laughs, isn’t mad. Says it’s just who JR is, and who he will always be. But he grimaces, maybe he is mad after all.

John Ross’s chance at shutting down Lubell, dirt on his DUI son, falls through since the witness died. Tells his PI (?) to keep digging.

PI reveals that he knows who sent the infamous email to Elena, it was Rebecca Sutter. DUNH DUNH DUNH 

Final question - who decorated Southfork, Anne Richards?  It’s like let’s stick a star and an SF logo everywherrreeeee.

Next Wednesday can’t get here fast enough.