DALLLAAAAASSSSS

It's back, baby! This past Monday the producers gave us not one but TWO episodes of the much-anticipated new season of Dallas. The first one was titled "Battle Lines." But before the episode even began there was a special message from the cast about the passing of actor Larry Hagman - "the legacy of JR will live on." I miss him already.

Sue Ellen was in the lead in her race for the governor's office. Her slogan, "honesty for a change." She rallies her supporters, probably already tasting her win.

Meanwhile, John Ross crashes a bachelorette party. "Oh you are trouble," says the bachelorette ... who is then promptly deflowered by John Ross. But this is no ordinary hook-up, this is strategic (wow John Ross is efficient in how he mixes business with pleasure) - John Ross then walks downstairs and makes the woman's father an offer he can't refuse ... threatening to blackmail his family with the sex tape he was just making upstairs whilst boffing his offspring. John Ross's line to the dad: "Love is for p*ssies. Now do we have a deal?"

Now that's how you start an episode.

Ewing Energies is sponsoring a methane-powered race car. I just can't help but think how bad that must smell. Christopher takes the car for a spin around the track to show the car's moxie. Even when driving a race car, Christopher just still comes across as kind of a lame-o.

Next scene, we see the fantastically chic offices of Ewing Energies, the really spiffed up the place. it's like a set designer's wet dream. Here's a corporate charge account and a copy of Dwell magazine, go!

JR drops by to say hi and offer John Ross advice on derailing Christopher's methane side of the business in order to pivot the business back to good ol' oil. So even tho John Ross, Christopher, Bobby and Elena are all ostensibly in business together, John Ross is just conspiring to crush them all. it's evident that it's not just about the money, the freakin' birthright, the oil ... it's personal.

Debating the merits of methane versus oil, someone says "This company needs to be vertically integrated." I need to find a way to work this phrase into a meeting at work.

The company breakdown (and this will be important later) is as follows: 60% Christopher/Bobby; 30% John Ross; 10% Elena.

Nice Nokia Windows phone placement with John Ross, who is ominously texting someone.

Will the real Rebecca Sutter please stand up?
We meet the real Rebecca Sutter, Tommy's actual sister, who is claiming to be the victim of identity theft. Could they make her character any more "aw shucks" hick-like? Laying it on thick.

Clearly they have not found Tommy's body yet, and Rebecca the Real is adamant about finding him ...

Cut to Ann in an art gallery looking at an ugly painting of oil derricks or something. She exclaims to the gallery owner/salesperson: "It's even more evocative than I thought it would be!" I need to find a way to work this phrase into a meeting at work.

Ann's slimy ex Ryland Harris or Harris Ryland shows up and reveals that he's found their long lost daughter, and in exchange for revealing her location, Ann has to give up the blackmail tape she has of Sue Ellen being blackmailed and him being blackmailed and blackmailing someone. And laundering money. This is at least triple blackmail, but I'm sure we're nowhere near done yet.

Why would Ann hide the secret of her daughter's disappearance from Bobby - does she blame herself for her daughter's kidnapping?

Ann's wearing a lovely Lucite Tory Burch cuff btw.

Somebody says something about an annulment hearing for Christopher (yawn) and FRebecca (Faux Rebecca). I'm sorry, but Elena and Christopher are lame. And does it bother anyone that he's marrying the help? "I want to be your partner, and not just in bed." Gag.

For a couple that is so fixated on getting an annulment so they can have a church wedding, they are acting pretty darn un-holy and unrepentantly frisky.

Mysterious swarthy man (Frank) is back and strategizing with FRebecca. They are fighting the annulment so that they can force a divorce, which would mean splitting up the marital assets, therefore she'd theoretically get a stake of Ewing Energies in a settlement.

Meanwhile, Elena is negotiating to buy old oil rigs. Christopher is summoned to an address for something related to the annulment, only to realize it's the address of Barnes Global HQ. There, Rebecca reveals her identity to be the daughter of Cliff Barnes and Afton ... duhn duhn duuuhhhn. And she's named after her aunt Pamela, Bobby's former wife.

Speaking of which, where the hell is Victoria Principal?

FRebecca claims money is not the issue, but she wants custody of dem babies. Are we sure she's actually preggers? Christopher basically says "bring it, beeyotch." He's feeling confident because he's got Real Rebecca in his corner.

Nothing brings family together like mutual hatred of their sworn enemy, Cliff Barnes. The fractured family gathers. Christopher opines that the end game is for Cliff to get his hands on the methane business, JR tells him it's personal, and he suggests murder as an option.

Gives me goose bumps to see them all working together.

Oh wait, John Ross is still very clearly in it for himself.

Ann in the meantime is waiting for the results of a DNA test to see if the found girl is actually her daughter. Helpfully, the caller ID on her phone says "DNA LAB." I'm glad I don't have to have that programmed into my phone.

So the results show this Emma is indeed her daughter. Ann goes to Sue Ellen's house to break the news to her that they need to get rid of the blackmail tape; when she arrives Ryland Harris Ryland is already there. They give him the tape.

I dig the Sue Ellen+Ann alliance.

Suddenly the medical examiner comes forward and confesses Sue Ellen bribed him to change the cause of death in the case in which John Ross was unjustly accused of murder ... clearly this is to sabotage the election but what else was is motivation? One day before the election, it effectively tanks her 12 point lead in the polls, causing her to lose, creating a media scandal and launching an inquiry on the part of the state attorney's office.

Ann's kid was apparently kidnapped by Richie Rich, because when they go see her she's practicing dressage on a gorgeous horse in an equestrian ring at a luxurious stable. She looks bitchy. She rejects Ann. Ann crumples.

I should have predicted that John Ross would try to align himself with Pamela/FRebecca, there is a certain villain logic to this. She however is still a little bitter about him having blackmailed her last season. What's a little blackmail between friends?

Real Rebecca shows up, seemingly willing to make a deal for her testimony. I knew her hick act was a little much!

PS- So are we supposed to believe that FRebecca did actually fall in love with Christopher? Yawn.